Rodin's

Mr. Loneliness - Gary Chaw

2009-05-21T09:11:00.000-07:00

I Prayed 4 U - All 4 One

2009-05-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

When I close my eyes at night, I pray
That God would send your love my way
Pray that he sends a love so sweet
Someone to take good care of me

Someone to take my heart
And make it their own
And love only me alone
That's when I found you
And I know that it's true
God gave me you cause...

*I prayed for you
Everytime I close my eyes
I belive, deep in my hear that
God would come through
Cause I prayed for you.

When you're in my arms I feel so blessed
Cause I know your love is heaven-sent
With every song that my heart sings
I owe to the joy that your love brings

Now I'm gonna take your heart
And make it my own and I'll never leave you alone
Thank God I found you
And for all that you do
All this came true cause...*

Somehow I made it threw those times
When I wasn't sure aat all
You came and you changed my life
And I know that you were sent from above
Cause I...*

火金姑-1

2009-05-11T22:06:00.000-07:00

「阿貢，我想自己走路上學，以後不用來載我了。」
阿公看著我，沒有多說什麼話。頭點兩下，靜靜走去那張老舊的藤椅。平常，阿公穿著一件背心，搭配鬆垮的藍色四角褲，薄薄的料子。坐在那張藤椅上，翹起左腿，入神的抽煙。我不知道阿公在想什麼，只是在晚飯之前，他不會離開那張椅子。後院那片時而荒廢的土地，有幾棵檳榔樹、辣椒，還有不到一坪大自由種植的區域。更早一點種的是白菜，有時候長滿了蔥。剩下一小塊地方是我和弟弟平常遊戲的場地，那裡搭了一座鐵皮小遮雨棚。阿公的藤椅也在那座遮雨棚下。
爸爸曾經讓我看過一張斑駁的照片，幾個青壯年人，蹲著站著。後頭的那間茅屋正是這群青年壯人所建造，簡陋而堪用。阿公就在後排，外曾祖父、叔公等等也在其中。外曾祖父由南部遷移過來，阿公和他的兄弟一行人翻山過領，從西北部到達這片鄉野。他們歷經了一番不同的滄桑，荒涼地踩著腳下的泥土，辛勞、困苦。我不知道他們如何駐足在一起，或許那早已經適切的安排好，一種命運。
在六個兄弟之間，阿公是第一個抱孫子的；因此他對我疼愛有加，從小就跟阿公睡在一起。阿嬤則是跟弟弟睡，曾經因為一場病，阿嬤的卵巢在那時候手術切除了。老一輩的人認為女人沒了卵巢，或是男人沒了睪丸，就絕對不是完整的男人或女人，無法行夫妻義務。就這樣阿公跟阿嬤也分房了好多年。
每當我奮力消耗一天的活力與好奇，晚上仍捨不得馬上入睡。阿公習慣將一隻手枕在額頭上，沉穩的回答我每一個問題。一直到我終於累了，我們才沉沉睡去。
「阿貢！」小時後阿公教的客家話，我一直帶著不標準的發音；但我們平常溝通是用台語：「是誰發明釣魚的？」
「姜太公姜子牙啊!」
「他是誰啊？」
「他是古時候的人啊！他釣魚不用餌，而且魚線離水三呎喔！」
「什麼是離水三呎？」
「就是高於水面三呎啊！」阿公從來不會不耐煩。
「這樣釣得到嗎？」我露出懷疑的表情，斜著頭，眼看天花板。
「可以啊！因為他是神，有法力啊！」
「古時候的人都可以當神喔？那我們可不可以當神？」
「不一定啊！因為他很厲害，才可以當神。你以後如果很厲害也可以當神啊！」阿公試圖用我聽得懂的話解釋。我不知道厲害是什麼樣子，但一定是很威風很有本事的。我聽著笑了。
「那我以後要很厲害喔！」
在我的認知裡，阿公什麼問題都能回答，他對我而言就是智慧的寶庫。那個理著光頭，纖瘦的身軀，是我最信仰的對象。有時候阿公會帶著我一起去釣魚，小孩是不會有耐性的，我自顧自的在一旁玩耍，也不管是不是要跟姜太公一樣厲害了。偶爾看看阿公釣上來的魚，天真地拿餌塞進魚嘴裡。不過我最喜歡阿公騎機車載我出遊，躺在阿公的背上，聽他說話的聲音在背上模糊的共鳴。有時候弟弟會跟我們一道去，他就站在機車前面的踏板上。藉著那輛機車，我們到過台東濱海，三仙台、八仙洞等等對我們而言並不是觀光景點，只是一個地方罷了。我們也到過瑞穗，或是更遠的地方。最常去的是玉里，我認為那是一座城市。這樣過了些許年頭，一直到我上小學。
清晨，陽光已經透過樹葉灑落下來。露水正在蒸發，鳥兒早準備好啄食，在樹枝上呼朋引伴。阿嬤走入廚房升起炊火，灶內的柴燒的哧哧響。等鍋裡的水開始翻騰，阿嬤輕輕地倒下昨晚的米飯，隨後踏上單車，往街尾騎去。每天早上，餐桌上擺好了早點，我才起床，阿嬤是我最好的鬧鐘。這時候阿公已經在後院坐定，緩緩吐著白煙。等我吃完早點，阿公便發動機車，載我上學去。
在這之前，我的生活都是阿公。或者說，我才是阿公最賦予厚愛的重心。等我有其他事情，例如上學，不再活動於阿公的懷抱開始，真正落寞的是阿公。比方上帝建造了伊甸，亞當夏娃幸福快樂的園地。在伊甸園裡，真正感到安心的是上帝，唯有這樣祂的子民才會受到制約，祂著實感到被依賴，被信仰。夏娃遲早會摘下蘋果的，即使沒有撒旦的化身。這是遲早的事，故事才有發展；或者說這也是安排，如同其他已經發生了的事實一般。我是一個亞當，到了離開伊甸園的時候，悲慟的還包括了上帝。
夏夜的草地上，飄著斑斑的金綠色光點。它們變換萬種圖騰，在半空中縈繞，好似一場幻境。襯托蟋蟀輕快的節奏，光點時而若隱，時而出現。大家稱之為螢火蟲，我們叫它「火金姑」。
阿公在一旁抽煙，若有所思。
「阿貢，我想自己去上學，你不用載我去了。」
坐在那張藤椅上，阿公的身子更顯得單薄痀僂。阿公的表情很難讓人洞悉他的情緒，我可以算是家中對阿公最直接，最不小心翼翼的，彷彿是阿公允諾給我的特權。
「嗯，你大漢啊啦。我知影你怕阿貢辛苦，所以要自己去學校。阿貢蓋歡喜！」
我感到無比心虛，阿公給我一個背負不起的理由。我只不過是想跟同學一起走路上學，更不敢再多解釋。頓時我變的卑下，不敢多看阿公一眼。
「你看，足多火金姑喔！」
「阿貢，為什麼火金姑會發光？」馬上我又恢復孩童的好奇。
「因為火金姑尾溜有發光的皮啊！」
「有發光的皮就會發光喔？」
「嗯…」
飛舞的火金姑，像是草叢焚燒的餘燼，一波一波的幻升。風兒婆娑著，草兒斜斜地向一邊傾，餘燼盤旋一會，忽又飄然地散開，煞是傳神好看。這群金綠色光點，呼應天上的星斗，連成一片。阿公和我靜靜地看著，祖孫倆像躲在廣闊的布幕下。這地草野持續燃燒著，火金姑好像不會累，將我的童年慢慢殆盡。
村裡只有一座小學，每個孩童都會聚集於此。中高年級的學生各個高大，我常常被莫名地拉到中年級隊伍，等到老師發現了，才將我這新生帶回原班級。這是另外一個世界，沒有阿公。小時後我就嚴重怕生，以前被帶往幼稚園時，看見大人離去，我只顧慌張的想竄逃，試圖追上去。老師發出最清亮的聲音誘導，告訴我這裡可以交朋友，一邊把教室的門關上。我一急，憤怒地把窗戶玻璃拍破，像遇上浩劫般的哭喊，又是鼻涕又是眼淚，鮮血也沾滿了手。到了小學，我已經不再如此激動，反而是極力掩飾我的生怯。
一個遠親叫潘信義，跟我同班，他簡直是個刁蠻至極的學生，讓人頭痛。小學一年級的毛頭可以當眾跟老師叫喊互叱，連男老師也不想多管。有一回他帶領一群同學到後山坡上遊戲，我們稱為魔王迷宮，規則是要穿梭在密麻的樹叢間，找到三種不同顏色的石頭才可以回到現實。那裡沒有魔王，但我們深信有的，並且極度恐懼著。在潘信義的蠻橫下，沒有人敢光著手走出樹叢，因此有的同學上課了還不敢回教室。我跟潘信義一組，走著見著了一頭黃牛，脖子上的牽繩繫在一棵樹桿上。潘信義一時乖劣，拿石頭扔向黃牛。黃牛拼命掙扎，痛苦地叫喊。我不敢說什麼，任由惻隱之心在體內竄擊。
其實潘信義再壞，對我是好的很，因為我們是遠親。我不知道為什麼我們是遠親，只莫約知道他跟阿嬤同姓，可能是由此淵源而來的。我對他還算能相處，但我卻非常排斥他，深怕同學將我和他掛成一堆。於是我刻意保持距離，偏偏他卻告訴老師要坐我旁邊，考試的時候他可以輕鬆地看著我的試題卷抄寫，這讓我更加對他不滿。我甚至覺得有這個遠親而不齒。
記得我有一塊橡皮擦不見了，少了能夠跟同學炫燿的利器，回家還要被質疑剛買的橡皮擦為何弄丟，我一股腦推給潘信義。後來他在一個下午跑到我家來，露出難得的真誠問我的橡皮擦在哪裡，我羞愧的手足無措。
感謝天，一學期後，潘信義轉學了。放鬆的不是我對他的厭惡或輕視，而是我矛盾的內咎。
每天早晨我走去學校，沿途經過吳建俞的住家會停下來等他。忘了是怎麼開始的，我會跟吳建俞去上學。這也是我婉拒阿公的理由。可能是因為吳建俞他們家有數不完的電動遊戲卡匣，有時候放學沒事我會到他家打個痛快。懵懵懂懂的日子，我數不清楚了。應該說，我並不曾留意過。

What Am I Busy With These Days?

2009-04-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I have been busy for a while. But...what am I busy with these days? Good question. Guess I need to review these days. Technically, everything is just as usual. My job, my classes, and I still oversleep. Moreover, Muse is going to have a concert in May. And I was doing the poster. The concert is very important for Muse because it concerns her graduation. But in fact, I don't know how many concerts she will need to have. I got the text at the last minute and made the layout urgently. That day I did not get too much sleep. But hopeully it meets her expectation.

What else? Mm...I guess I've got the Thai Voodoo since I started being busy with Vaness. Who, or what, is Vaness? He is a guy I bumped into while I was surfing on flickr one month ago. So adorable, refresh, and so happy a boy. I couldn't help adding him into my friend list but nothing more to do, because I guess he must be far away. I mean, we might not in the same world. He has his own life, while I have my own. Yet I prayed for his notice. Maybe God heard me so that a miracle happened: he noticed me and we got connected. Oh my, I don't know how to describe that but I feel so lucky and happy.

For such a long time I have felt like this but I do feel the connection. What is he? He is just the Thai Voodoo. And who is he? He is ... an angel. So what am I busy with? In addition to Muse's poster, Vaness is definitely another cause. However, my luck will last for what? Three months? One year? Or forever? Before my trip to Thailand in June, one more trip has been made. For the first time I feel so involved in the discussion about a trip with other one. Can everything happening be powerful enough to break through my obstacles? Anyway, I am going to Thailand again. Who will be there for me? I get never more nervous. But take me if I am meant to.

It's Gonna Be OK - Clash

2009-04-09T11:52:00.000-07:00

ได้โปรดลองฟังฉันสักหน่อยเธอ
Dai-prot-long-fung-chun-suk-noy-tur
Please just hear me out for just a bit
หยุดเพ้อคิดถึงอะไรวันวาน
Yoot-pur-kid-teung-arai-wun-wahn
Stop daydreaming of yesterday
และหยุดคิดถึงเขาที่ทำเธอจะเกือบตาย
Lae-yoot-kid-teung-kow-tee-tum-tur-gurb-ja-tai
And stop thinking of him, who made you nearly die

อย่าไปมัวเดินทวนกระแสเวลา
Yah-fai-moah-dern-tuan-gra-sea-way-lah
Don't proceed against the flow of time
อย่าไปตามคืนมาคนที่ไร้หัวใจ
Yah-pai-taam-keun-mah-kon-tee-rai-hua-jai
Don't go pursue and bring back a heartless person
ก็แค่ไม่คิดซะ…แล้วน้ำตาเธอจะหมดลงไป
Gaw-kae-mai-kid-sa...Laaw-num-tah-tur-ja-mot0long-pai
Just don't think about it. And your tears will go away

*ต้องอยู่กับความจริง จงอยู่กับความจริงเข้า ใจหน่อย
Taung-yoo-gub-kwarm-jing-jong-yoo-gub-kwarm-jing-kow-jai-noy
You ought to live in reality. You ought to live in reality. Please understand
เธอเองไม่มีอะไรต้องคอย ปล่อยรักที่ไม่ดีเก่าๆ
Tur-eng-mai-mee-arai-taung-kauy-ploy-ruk-tee-mai-dee-gow-gow
You don't have anything to wait for. Let go of the bad love from the past
เขาจากเธอไปจริง ทุกสิ่งที่ใจเธอยังร้าว
Kow-jark-tur-pai-jing-took-sing-tee-jai-tur-young-row
He truly took everything, your heart is still fractured
It’s Gonna Be Ok Right Now!!!
It's gonna be ok right now
ตื่นเช้าลุกขึ้นมองสิ่งใหม่ใหม่ เรื่องร้ายๆ ก็จะไปจากเธอ
Teun-chow-look-keun-maung-sing-mai-ruang-rai-rai-gaw-ja-pai-jark-tur
Wake up in the morning with a new perspective. The negative things will leave you.

ถ้าหากใจวันนี้ยังอ่อนแอ ถ้าหากคิดท้อแท้ว่าไม่มีใคร
Tah-hahk-jai-wun-nee-young-aun-ae-tah-hahk-kid-tau-tae-wah-mai-mee-krai
If your heart is still weary now, if you're thinking of giving up and that you have nobody
อยากให้รู้ฉันนั้นไม่เคยจะห่างเธอเลย
Yahk-hai-roo-chun-nun-mai-koey-ja-hahng-tur-lerei
I want you to know, I'm never far from you
อย่าไปมัวเดินทวนกระแสเวลา อย่าไปตามคืนมาคนที่ไร้หัวใจ
Yah-pai-moah-dern-tuan-gra-sae-way-lah-yah-pai-taam-keun-mah-kon-tee-rai-hua-jai
Don't proceed against the flow of time. Don't go pursue and bring back a heartless person.
ก็แค่ไม่คิดซะ…แล้วน้ำตาเธอจะหมดลงไป*
Gaw-kae-mai-kid-sa...laaw-num-tah-tur-ja-mot-long-pai
Just don't think about it. And your tears will go away

吳哥窟 Part 2-May 12, 2008

2009-04-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

通過千佛堂後，逆時鐘沿著壁面就可以開始欣賞浮雕了。進入西面牆南側之前有個堡壘，因為高度的關係，再加上光線不足，拍照不容易。堡壘中有一面浮雕訴說著印度神話，雕得非常壯觀。

羅婆那(Ravana)撼動凱拉薩神山

傳說中羅婆那是阿修羅族的首領，佔據蘭卡，也就是現在的斯里蘭卡。這幅浮雕說的，是羅婆那有一天路過凱拉薩神山，這座神山居住著印度教主神之一濕婆(Shiva)。這時候濕婆神正與神妃在山上巫山雲雨，導致羅婆那無法通過。由於濕婆神"很強"，羅婆那等得不耐煩了，所以生氣地撼動凱拉薩神山。當然這事可不得了，濕婆被驚動之後，出面處理了這場面，也因此羅婆那後來成為了濕婆神的信眾之一。很妙吧，竟然阿修羅的老大也信神，就好像某幫派的老大追隨警政署署長一樣。通過堡壘，進入西南牆面，講述的是宮廷生活。舍耶華曼二世將自己雕上牆面，明顯將自己神格化。

看完舍耶華曼的宮廷生活，接著是可怕的地獄。印度神話中，閻摩(Yama)是第一個人類，他與妹妹閻彌(Yani)是人類的祖先。因為是第一個人類，所以也是第一個進入死亡世界的。閻摩爲人類探索死後的世界，於是變成為了死後世界的掌管著。神格化之後，就像其他神一樣，閻摩也有坐騎：水牛。而這位地域的使者，探索死亡世界的先驅，便在幽冥界審判世人一生的作為，跟所有的民族信仰一樣，好人有人間福報，壞人有蘋果日報。這面浮雕即是閻摩的審判。

閻摩在坐騎上審判世人

佛教中，掌管地域的是閻羅王。這位閻摩跟閻羅王有沒有關聯呢？答案是同一人。佛教源於印度教，不論是地域性或是文化性，當然深深受到印度教的影響。所以閻摩到了佛教，就變成閻羅王了。吳哥窟的浮雕多半回有上中下三個部分，由上到下分別是背景、中景、前景。然而吳哥窟的浮雕就像中國水墨畫一樣是多角透視，並不會因為背景人物就比較小，前景人物就比較大；有時候反而背景人物會比前景的人物還要大。經過閻摩的審判後，善者便會上天堂，惡者當然要下地獄。

天堂與地獄

最上面是天堂，看來還蠻無聊的，好人可以坐在椅子上，除此之外好像也沒有特別的享受。反而地獄的浮雕精彩多了，在右邊有個活板門，壞人就由這活板門墮入地獄。有的人腸子被拖出來了，有的則是被腰斬，在在都告示世人，一定要勤儉持家！喔，不是，是別做壞事。俗話說「不因善小而不為，不因惡小而為之」。記住，現在流行現世報！

看完天堂與地獄之後就會到達西南側轉角，別說我都只放男人的照片，都沒有照顧男性讀者。放一張美女的照片，要看正面就等她轉頭吧，看是你夠有耐心，還是她撐得久。

南側的牆面上並沒有浮雕，因為吳哥窟是一座未完成的廟宇。我們一路走到底，可能也因為天候不佳的關係，氣溫並不怎麼熱。不過走到了東面牆之後，雲漸漸散開來，這時候當然就要趕快拿出相機啪嚓啪嚓。

吳哥窟東邊一喁

走了一半，我們花了快一小時。多虧我做很多功課，在欣賞浮雕的時候能夠很投入，能夠看懂。不過仍然是有部分的浮雕看不懂，我必須帶著小抄一路比對。如果有碰到說中文的團體，是可以偷聽的。但是對我而言，要跟團體們擠來擠去，特別是要面對可能讓我無法忍受的事情，例如有人就會一直用手觸摸浮雕，那我會抓狂。我寧願自己做足功課，畢竟所見所聞都是珍貴的，充實自己絕對有用。吳哥窟的浮雕究竟有多精彩呢？如果沒有細心走完，你真的無法深刻體會。

吳哥窟 Part 1-May 12, 2008

2009-03-25T14:21:00.000-07:00

5月12日清晨，我們跟Chansy約了早上五點出發。我很懷疑這樣是否可以看到日出，Chansy說沒問題。好，我相信他，而且他那可愛的笑容我也無法跟他說：No, we need to be earlier.坐上嘟嘟車，一路往吳哥窟奔去。我們買了三日券，US$40，券上會印相片，當場照的，非常「睡」。原本這入場券是照片是用貼的，但聽說有很多觀光團偷吃步，上一團的人用完之後，接給下一團的人用，把照片換掉就好。唉，真的黃皮膚的民族實在非常可恥。辦簽證也是，有錢好辦事，所以領隊通常會塞錢給海關，整團就直接通過，檢查也不檢查。這樣導致自助旅行的人常常被要小費，特別是來自「台灣」的旅客。我一個在旅遊業的朋友曾對我說，沒辦法，大家都這樣做，我也只好這樣做。很好。柬埔寨簽證US$20，被要求US$25的話，記得用凶狠的眼神叫他小心一點。

言歸正傳，到達吳哥窟時，我的熱血已經奔騰得像滾燙的岩漿了，吳哥窟就在我眼前。果然如Chansy說的，絕對趕得上日出。什麼？日出？管他，吳哥窟耶~~~靠！不對，本來就是要看一下日出。我簡直快給他跳進護城河了，說不定還可以以時速200游到對岸再游回來，那Shanti可得幫我顧相機。

吳哥窟英文是Angkor Wat，wat指的是印度教或者佛教的廟，尤指印度教，所以吳哥窟實指吳哥廟或吳哥寺。爲何會翻成「窟」是因為印度教的廟宇跟東亞式廟宇的結構不同。東亞廟宇多半還兼具修行者的住所，然而印度教的思想認為，廟宇就是神在人間的住所，是用來敬畏神用的，並不是給修行者棲息，所以印度廟宇特色就是尖塔式，或是山形的。除此之外，吳哥窟為東南亞的巨石文化之一，以石塊堆積成的建築，窄小而幽暗，就像石窟一樣，因此就稱「吳哥窟」了。吳哥窟還有一個名稱，叫做小吳哥，這名稱是用以區別加亞華曼七世所建立的大吳哥城。

清晨的吳哥，參道上人還不算多，等旅遊團來就恐怖了。

吳哥地區的廟宇是印度教宇宙觀的具體化。印度教的世界有三個主要結構：大海，陸地，山脈。陸地是人類及其他生物生長的地方，而山脈指的是須彌山，眾神便居住在須彌山上。小吳哥的護城河現在仍有豐沛的水，象徵大海；由參道走進去會到廟宇外圍，這片土地就是陸地了。廟的中央塔樓以堆疊的方式往高處攀升，這就是須彌山，而神就住在上頭。吳哥窟是全世界最大的廟宇，由舍耶華曼二世所建於12世紀，當時是國廟。有人說吳哥窟其實皇陵，因為他是吳哥地區唯一面西的廟宇，而且牆壁上的浮雕走向是逆時針，這個方向是古時候高棉人超渡儀式的行進方向。另一個合理的論點是，印度教的種姓制度中認為，皇室的人是天神所投胎，所以他們死後會回天上去。因此這座廟是國王位自己所建，非常符合邏輯，只可惜在小吳哥並無發現國王的骨灰或是其他有力的證據，無法佐證這個解釋。

面西的說法還有一種，吳哥窟當初所祭祀的主神是印度教三大主神之一：毗濕奴(Vishnu)，他除了是保護神之外，也是西方的守護神，因此吳哥窟面向西方。這兩個不同的說法，就讓看官自己選擇囉！廢話不說了，趕快進去吧！左邊的大門進去，可以看到一尊毗濕奴像，現在還是香火鼎盛喔！

八臂毗濕奴，據說是以舍耶華曼二世的形相雕的

通過大門後，眼前的便是「陸地」了。這片陸地是由圍牆包覆的。這面牆上有許多阿帕薩拉仙女(Apsara)為雕飾。要仔細看喔！所有的阿帕薩拉仙女都是含蓄地綻放笑容，只有一位仙女是露齒笑的，有興趣可以找一找。

唯一露齒笑的仙女，很像玉米 :P。

日出呢？日出日出，對，日出。這時候已經有一些人就定位，而我因為拍仙女所以根本忘了要衝到蓮花池去，那可是絕佳的拍攝地點。不過天候實在不好，我把日出拍得很像黃昏。XD...當時站在蓮花池拍照的人們非常熱烈地鼓掌，我猜測應該是日本人。恩，有像日本人的行徑。日出不過五分鐘，太陽又沒入雲層裡了。這時候慢慢給他走去蓮花池，雖然已經沒有漂亮的日出，不過吳哥窟的影像還是要留下來。記得有機會到吳哥窟，一定要在這蓮花池畔照相。因為這個角度才能把五座主塔盡收眼底，還可以有倒影，如果有藍天白雲，那簡直就是明信片。

吳哥式建築，玉米頭尖塔。那就是須彌山了，也是天堂，神的住所。

就是這，我要登入廟裡囉！蓮花式排列的五座主塔，正對的角度只能看到三座。上了這個階梯後就進入千佛堂。千佛堂是田字型迴廊，裡頭因為有很多佛像而得名。不過，我真是不用心，沒有仔細走，所以只到了千佛堂的前半段，所以並沒有看到佛像。我很快往右轉，欣賞牆壁上的浮雕去。當時心裡想反正還會再回來一次，所以並沒有很積極。在千佛堂的前段我遇到一個非常可愛的小孩，我給他幾枝鉛筆和糖果，他接過之後依然很安靜，不知道他在這裡做什麼。

吳哥窟的浮雕非常精采，有的壁面雖然未完成，或者沒有浮雕，但已經完成的浮雕已經足以細細品嚐，慢慢欣賞。有的是歷史故事，有的則是神話傳說。在這裡，真的花上三個小時都可能不夠。我可以想像宏偉建築，精美的雕飾，當時的人們必定是在有限的條件下克服許多問題。是對國家的向心力，還是信仰的力量？

柬埔寨-May 11, 2008

2009-03-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

曾有人說，柬埔寨是東南亞最值得去的國家，在沒有去過柬埔寨之前是無法體會的。2008年我開始自助旅行，選擇柬埔寨做為第一站。記得在二月左右開始做準備，也從那時候起，我認識了背包客棧，那真是個好地方，什麼都有。藉著資訊的閱讀，知道得越多，就越了解要補充哪些知識。剛好課堂上有學生從事旅遊業，借了一本吳哥深度旅遊聖經 (Acient Angkor)，我花了兩個月左右閱讀。除此之外，我還去買了一本印度神話，這樣我才能看懂高棉神廟的浮雕。至於其他瑣碎的資訊，如住宿、飲食、市集，甚至是嘟嘟車司機等等，在背包客棧就可以全部解決了。
在網路上訂好住宿地點，聯絡好嘟嘟車司機後，我便背起行囊帶著地圖出發了。這次旅行朋友Shanti和我一道去，我得扮演領隊、導遊、翻譯和攝影師的多重身份。飛機由越南胡志明市轉機，越航上的空服員對我說越南話，對Shanti卻說英語。在胡志明市轉機後，新的一架飛機，新的空服員，一樣對我說越南話。是怎樣？我有像越南人嗎？終於我們飛入暹粒。

首先當然是到民宿Check in囉！這間民宿會吸引我就是因為乾淨，離市區近，而且價格低廉(US$18/night)。當然我絕對能找到更便宜的，只是因為Shanti同行，怕她女孩子家不習慣，所以就找個比較舒適的。

夜晚的 Ei8ht Rooms

Lobby

Guest room

我承認這個頂樓有吸引到我。

放好行李後，我們先到舊市場去，買了一些絲綢跟紀念品，隨即前往洞里薩湖(Tonle Sap)，那是柬埔寨最大的湖泊，也是東南亞第一大湖。我們的司機Chansy是個可愛的柬埔寨男孩，他可是經過欽點的，連處女座Shanti都說帥呢！洞里薩湖有個傳說，相傳在湖底住著一尊Naga七頭蛇神，有一天，蛇神的女兒要嫁給印度王子，於是他便大嘴一張，把所有的湖水給吸乾，轉眼間，變出了一大塊肥沃的土地，成為女兒的嫁妝。據說，因為有Naga蛇神駐守的緣故，洞里薩湖在旱季、雨季，才會有如此明顯的不同。

入湖之前有許多高腳屋，那一帶氣味不好聞，才一靠近小朋友們就會圍過來一直對你說one dollar，one dollar。這會不會是他們第一句學會的英文呢？他們對觀光客的氣味特別靈敏，只要有光觀客走近，他們就像磁鐵一樣吸附。上船後，我們慢慢往湖中駛去。在洞里薩湖面上，四周一望無際。怎麼有這麼大的湖啊？簡直像海一樣。途中一個小女孩由另一艘船跳過來，爲的就是要賣一瓶飲料，她很可能不小心就失足了。湖面上不僅有水上學校，還有水上的小型動物園、水上環保局、水上餐廳、水上加油站，我們還參觀了一間水上教堂。住在湖上的水上人家，遵循著一代代相傳的生活方式，與自然結合。一艘艘的住家、商店，讓我們看到的水上的食衣住行育樂。我們在湖上大概待了一個多小時，因為天候不好，沒拍到洞里薩湖的日落。很可惜因為假日的關係，沒有看到划船上下學的小朋友。上岸後，高腳屋的小朋友又紛紛圍過來，我拿出事先準備好的文具跟糖果分送。一個全裸的三歲小男孩也跑來，我按下快門，把這小天使拍下來。但是，這一切一切，卻在我回來後不小心誤刪了，到現在還心痛中。

晚上我們到Chansy幫忙的餐廳用餐，跟他聊了一會，得知他其實是一個認真的男孩，努力賺錢給他唸書的弟弟。我一開始就跟他確認所有行程，他也給我做了一些建議，是個非常不錯的司機。晚飯後我們到夜市去，這是一定要的。我認為亞洲最棒的就是夜市，不但可以親近當地文化，還可以娛樂消遣。暹粒的夜市很漂亮，非常熱帶島嶼的造景。

夜市入口

就這樣結束了第一天，隔天就要開始遊廟區了，很期待也很興奮。要早早睡，因為要看日出，希望天公作媒。

那些思鄉的惆悵-4

2009-03-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

孝親感恩－－校門上印著四個大字；磚紅色為基底的建築，圍著由大塊石版構成的中庭。中庭後方有兩顆樹，通過體育館後，是一座不算太大的操場，有的不是紅土，充其量是一般灰白細沙。這是我很不想進入的學校，要不是沒考上省中的話。據說我們班上的同學大多是高分落榜，或者是成績還不錯的。私立學校利用近乎省中的學費，將我們集中在一起。這點我完全不在乎，我仍然希望能穿上水藍色的制服，而不是現在這樣卡其色，令人作噁的套裝。這所高中向來以壓制學生聞名，在青少年叛離的階段，不會有人希望被緊緊綁著。
頭一次離開家裡，不再有姑姑、爸爸和阿嬤。從小我一直很想到外面看看，不為了什麼，就好像想知道其他河流是否跟家鄉的一樣清澈，另一座山是不是更高更雄偉。然而這個第一次卻很不愉快，我很無奈的讓這件事情發生，並且努力的排斥著。我有點想念國中的同學。
踩著彆扭的步伐進到教室，我不認為有熟識的人，也不想抬起頭。其他人好像也賣力的看書，只有幾個人小聲說著話，一種正常的蠢動。
「啊喲！你怎麼長這麼大顆的痘痘啊？好恐怖喔！」一個大塊頭伸出食指，粗魯的在我臉上點好幾下。他是坐在我隔壁的同學，比我高，戴著眼鏡。這樣高大的人作出小孩的聲音跟口吻，著實令人不舒服。我稍微皺了下眉頭，閃開他的無禮。
「你幹麻不說話啊？我知道你的名字喔！」我轉過頭去，淡淡笑了笑。其實我沒這麼討厭他，並且開始對這個最先跟我說話的同學產生興趣。
「別擔心啦！因為我剛剛看到你學號上有名字啊！」
「你是什麼國中的呢？」我開口說話。
「我喔！不告訴你！嘻嘻…不過我沒看過你耶，你不是花蓮市的喔？」
「不是。」
「好可憐喔！那你不就每個人都不認識？」他沒有停止那種稚嫩的調調，不過我已經不覺得有什麼了。
「應該吧！既然你有國中同學，怎麼沒去跟他們聊天呢？」
「他們坐這麼遠，而且我看你都不講話啊！」
「嗯，你叫什麼名字呢？」
「不告訴你！…好啦好啦，你叫我苛薄，因為我的名字唸起來很像。」
苛薄？這是個很有趣的名字。開始與苛薄對話之後，我的心情也比較不緊張。至少在這五十幾個人裡，我不是完全沒有對象聊天；同時，我也可以透過他了解多少花蓮的面貌。這座城市比我們家鄉大很多，應該說是很大很大。
突然間鐘聲響起，一個眼睛大大的學姊和另一位長相老實的學長走進來，所有的人停止動作，猜著學長姊來此的目的。
「各位同學，我是三年級的學姊。從今天起一個月，由我和這位學長負責輔導各位的新生生活，有任何的問題都可以問我們。」學姊拿起粉筆，在黑板上寫下姓名。這位學姊我認識，她也是我國中的學姊，因此覺得很親切。
「好了，現在是早自習時間，每到鐘聲響起，第一件事情就是靜坐。」靜坐？每個人臉上露出狐疑的表情，有的面面相覷。
「首先，把你的右手放在左手上，像這個樣子。」學姊擺著正確的手勢給我們看，那是一般出家人打坐時有的手勢。「接著，將手放到大腿上，兩眼閉著，腰桿打直。」
「啊？學姊，為什麼要這樣？」一個同學忍不住發問。
「不要講話！這為的是要靜下心，待會準備好好唸書。每次早自習時間，上課的時候等等，都要先靜坐三分鐘。聽到鈴響才可以張開眼睛，還有作其他事情。」
「啊？」幾個同學發出長嘆。
「不要說話，不然如果有教官或老師經過，會把你登記下來喔！」
很安靜的三分鐘，不過卻覺得好長。我好奇的想著別人在想什麼，或者還停留在剛才未完成的話題等等。過程中可以清楚的聽到竊笑聲，因為太過安靜了。
「安靜！腰桿打直，三分鐘很快就過去了。」
終於鈴響，我們卸下緊繃的身子。有的人扭動一下身子，有的人伸懶腰，還發出呻吟，對那三分鐘靜坐感到不以為然。我開始懷疑我來到什麼地方，這似乎比我想像的還要糟了許多。這個地方太多規定，軍事化管理，我原先很不願意提起；為了完整性和流暢性，我必須交代清楚。鬍子沒刮扣兩點，遲到扣五點並且中午罰站，看到師長沒問好扣兩點，靜坐沒坐好三點，請假扣一點，頭髮沒按照規定理，假日就要到學校勞動服務，我們稱之為「力行」。平日點數扣滿十點也要力行，力行不到者記小過，抽煙者一律小過並在升旗時當著全校師生打十大板…
每週一閱兵分列，就像雙十國慶在總統府前的表演一樣，走得最差的班級全班扣點並且假日力行，閱兵結束後全校換著體育服裝打跆拳，打得最差的班級全班扣點並且假日力行，服裝儀容項目包含皮帶金屬擦亮，皮鞋上油，穿著全白無花色襪子，書包背帶長度以及上述鬍子、頭髮跟指甲等等，儀容檢查時間除了升降旗以外連軍訓課也要。升降旗的流程是這樣：全校按照班級排好，一班一班齊步走向操場，並且答數唱軍歌，太過小聲者全班扣點並且假日力行。沒有美術課，沒有音樂課，也沒有社團。一個禮拜兩節體育課，其中一堂硬性規定上跆拳，定期檢定不過者重複測驗。
獎勵的途徑也可笑得可以，如果你正好看到校長驅車到來，趕緊過去開車門，當天升旗時或是降旗就會當眾宣佈小功一件。在游泳池或校外任何一處碰見校長，只要向他打聲招呼，當週或隔週集會同樣宣佈小功一件。理由是敬愛師長，共通點是由校長欽點；這讓我想到跟在慈禧太后身旁的小李子，不論是事實或是嚴重醜化，一個只懂得給糖，一個特愛吃糖。每回集會校長若有出席，一定不會忘了數落其他學校，誇耀自己的學生。「我們學校真的好大啊！」這是他常說的，同時他並不稱我們為「同學」，他稱我們「愛徒」。
這可能說不完整，也不可能說完整。但無可厚非的，我逃離了家，那個熟悉的有座鐵軌橫躺過的村子。由此開始，我必須不停地流浪，而我的第一站已經讓我知道，這不是件容易的事。這就像是沙丘一樣，它的移動並不是自主，但一定是自願的；當行走了很遠的距離或是很長的時間，場景卻好像沒有變動過一樣，你不由自主地就會寂寞、害怕起來。
入學第一天我就慌忙地打電話回家，幾乎要哭出來的說我不想唸書了，至少至少不要在這樣的地方。這根本不是學校，這是地牢。如果我是個實實在在的流浪者，難道不能選擇自己想去的地方。即使我被放逐，我仍然有安頓自己的自主能力。
無論如何，我可能已經沒有退路。那些思鄉的惆悵便是這樣開始的，是我走到未來還是未來在等我走近，已經漸漸不明了。

La Maison en Petites Cubes

2009-03-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

One Piece

2009-03-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

這陣子非常迷海賊王，一直以來，日本漫畫就非常受歡迎，甚至是全球性的。我有個西班牙朋友，他說巴塞隆納也有很盛大的日本漫畫展，這時候他一定會出席。也不是因為著迷的關係，而是學語文的他，必須在場翻譯。
好久我就不再看日本漫畫/卡通了。原因很簡單，因為現在的卡通劇情很難懂，例如神奇寶貝，也或許我少了童年的想像力；再不然就是過於複雜的人物，甚至於畫風不吸引我。當然越到最後越扯的也不少，例如七龍珠或者遊戲王。我比較喜歡像是小叮噹這種，或者櫻桃小丸子這樣的單純。還有從前的無敵鐵金剛，每天都要打敗惡魔黨。正義的一方一定要金鋼合體，邪惡的一方永遠只有一個名字：惡魔黨。當然還有屬於清新畫風的咪咪流浪記，永遠玩樂不停的湯姆與哈客，每次都會邊看邊哭的莎拉公主，桃樂斯跟托托也不知道哪天可以回到堪薩斯。這些似乎通通made in Japan.真是侯塞雷啊！
經過了好幾年，除了宮崎駿的動畫讓我喜愛之外，到底海賊王有什麼魅力呢？我想以海賊王這麼紅，我無須再介紹劇情內容。然而讓我著迷的原因，其中之一是以大航海時代為故事背景。當然，這個大航海時代是虛構的，連世界的結構也都是憑空想像。大航海時代能這麼吸引我，應該是我本身流著一種叫做旅行的血液吧！如果時間倒退到17-18世紀，在那個沒有飛機只有商船的時代，我一定會跟著麥哲倫一起繞地球一圈，跟著哥倫布發現新大陸，或者跟馬可波羅一同到中國。似乎只要能夠讓我踏到不同的土地，感受不同的人文風情，接觸異鄉的氣息，要我怎麼樣都行。
第二個原因是夢想的實現。劇中每個人都有個夢想，主角魯夫想要成為海賊王，索隆想成為最強的劍士，娜美想完成世界地圖，騙人布想要成為勇士，香吉士則是想找尋夢幻食材，羅賓想解讀歷史本文...夢想是驅使人們前進的動力，不管這個夢是什麼，築夢的過程總是踏實快樂的。當然這並不容易，魯夫一行人在偉大航道上所碰到的敵人，象徵著總總困難，這些困難可能也曾經讓人卻步，像羅賓差點也臣服自身的恐懼。我們在生活中一定也會因為許多阻礙而放棄夢想，但魯夫說：「羅賓，我從來沒有聽過你說你想活下去，大聲喊出來吧！如果你仍然想死，等我們把你救出來之後再死。」有時候想死的念頭，常常是極盡所能想求生的意志。於是羅賓大喊：「我想活下去，請帶著我一起到大海去吧！」這真是催淚，世界宇宙超級霹靂大黑洞的催淚。怎麼魯夫那白痴總是這麼令人喜愛呢？這個少根筋卻又是如此讓所有船員信任的船長，一再讓所有人牢記著自己的夢想，不負初衷。那幾個傢伙熱血的感染力真的超強！
另一方面，整個故事的鋪陳是經過嚴密安排的。劇中每個人的童年往事，造就了不同鮮明的個性，也突顯了每個角色的特質。某些劇中的細節一開始讓人覺得沒什麼，但它卻是開啟往後發展的大關鍵，有些人是敵是友也非常難說。像是空島的劇情，大騙子蘭若德船長，為了堅守朋友的信諾上死刑台，然而失落的黃金鐘其實是飄到空中。能敲響沉睡500年，連結兩個摯友、種族、甚至世代的精神的人，想當然爾是這大笨蛋魯夫非其莫屬。我實在非常驚訝作者能夠想到這種劇情，故事的脈落竟然是如此完整，沒有過分的多餘，也沒有少一分的簡陋。那個失落的世界，不禁讓我聯想到馬雅人或是亞特蘭提斯，這可以見得作者也用了現實的材料作發揮，例如水之都根本就是不折不扣的威尼斯翻版，而騙人布不就是說謊的小木偶嗎？真的很佩服作者的故事編排能力，或者說，日本人對於做事的專著，都是達人等級的嗎？
海賊王還有一個核心，就是對於夥伴的信任、支持與堅貞。不論你出身為何，志向為何，魯夫總是能一眼認定能夠成為夥伴的人。一開始以為背叛夥伴的娜美，原來有著深痛的成長故事，這種不得已以及不願意，是很難讓人理解的。然而魯夫將所有娜美被逼迫所畫的航海圖摧毀，所有娜美不願意的事情通通拋棄，真不知道這船長是真的笨還是假的笨。「娜美，你是我的夥伴！」這個白痴的吶喊，應該不只讓娜美感動，一定也喚醒了許多觀眾那份隨著歲月消磨，因事故耗損殆盡的純真。而天真可愛的喬巴，爲他心愛的醫生努力學習；他爲了醫生的病拚命摘了以為是解藥的劇毒香菇，也是超級切洋蔥的橋段。然而他一直以來受到歧視而無法打開的心，也被魯夫這笨蛋打開了。每次大夥碰上什麼麻煩，娜美總是能處事泰然，因為她知道她的夥伴可以把敵人打飛。平常打打鬧鬧的香吉士和索隆，在危急的時候卻也打從心底擔心彼此。往往在遇到危險時退縮的騙人布，也因為自己的夥伴而變成勇敢的狙擊王。別說是人了，連黃金梅利號也因為船員們的珍惜，化作精靈感謝他們。最後那場離別的火，不就讓我把鼻涕也哭出來了嗎？是不是也有人跟我一樣，看了海賊王總會想，如果也能成為魯夫的夥伴該多棒！
最後，仍然不能不談談每個都讓我非常喜歡的人物角色。如果要從智商高低來看這群海賊，最聰明的應該是羅賓跟娜美，一個史學博士，一個天才航海師。特別是那變態羅賓，八歲就有史學博士，能看懂歷史本文的失傳文字。佛朗基的智商應該緊追在後，他設計的桑尼號時在太完美了，簡直就是無敵。再來是香吉士，他精湛的廚藝讓我非常羨慕，不過美女是其弱點，逃不過美人計的就屬香吉士了。接著是索隆，雖然劍術一流，不過路癡的程度實在是世界第一名。至於騙人布可以排在索隆前面，雖然沒什麼太厲害的戰鬥技術，但是設計精密的設備，以及想些歪點子倒是很厲害，特別是騙人不打草稿這種本領，應該也要有點智商吧！而整艘船最笨的，應該就是喬巴或魯夫了。怎麼會有人不知道狙擊王跟騙人布是同一人呢？全船也只有喬巴會相信騙人布說的話，也只有魯夫跟喬巴會不分敵我羨慕一切厲害的武器、技術等等。魯夫、喬巴、騙人布的組合，實在是很令人噴飯。一向能把敵人打飛的魯夫，也只有娜美可以將他揍得鼻青臉腫。還記得魯夫在水之都舉辦派對把錢花光，被娜美重擊那一幕吧？那是我覺得最經典的臉了。這群海賊，真的非常可愛。

海賊王動畫連結這個超級推薦，看動畫有配音又有音樂，大享受啊！

海賊王漫畫連結這也不錯，動畫看到底之後，還是得看漫畫，因為漫畫總是比動畫快出版。

泰簽

2009-03-05T14:51:00.000-08:00

非常難得的機會，泰簽從3/5-6/4期間辦理免費，我正好也搭上這班車。高雄一個禮拜只有一次的辦理時間，因為是台北辦事處的工作人員下來，當天來回，所以也是當天領證。雖然說是泰國觀光局，但工作人員仍然是台灣人；是的，你不用說Sawadee，也不用雙手合十。今天因為是第一天，我可等到現在才來辦理，就爲了這免費簽證。看著旅行社工作人員拿著一大疊護照，應該已經跟客戶收錢了，特地等到這天來代辦免費簽證。依一般旅行社代辦的收費看來，差不多1,300一人，這一百多份，直飆130,000以上，還蠻爽的。距離我飛出去的時間還有一個禮拜，但是今天若不辦理，下個禮拜四肯定來不及，因為下禮拜四正好出發，等我辦完，飛機已經飛到了。然而對於我這樣的行徑，可能會嚇壞一些人吧。不，是一脫拉庫人。
什麼是背包客？曾經看過有人這麼說：自主、自理、自信。我非常認同，背包客不一定要很窮酸，睡廁所，睡公園，然而自主、自理、自信的精神卻是很重要的。我常常在想，怎麼會有人分不清楚電壓就出國了呢？或者是根本沒搞清楚自己的3C電器早就是變壓充電器了，還一窩蜂向飯店借變壓器。從事服務業難免會遇到笨客人，根據經驗，被問最多的問題依次排名是:
1.請問餐廳在哪裡？
聽說他們前一晚入住的時候，已經告知過一次了。到了大廳，除了大門是出去的之外，也就剩下那個門了，你想該怎麼走呢？但偏偏就是會有人明明看著別人走進餐廳還要來問你，要不然就是看也不看就直接問，這種人不知道是怎麼長大的。如果再也沒有人幫他們解答，他們會不會就這樣沒飯吃而餓死呢？

2.請問廁所在哪裡？
聽說，餐廳裡面有服務人員不是嗎？怎麼會特地來到櫃檯問廁所？也許他們想要多走走幫助消化，所以不願觀察，也不會就近處理，反而願意走出餐廳然後再走回去。「我已經吃飽了，還能在進去嗎？」那你到馬路邊的水溝解決好了，記得要沖水。

3.我的行李要暫時放在哪裡？
這我真的不得不說，我了解不是每個人都能夠自助旅行。但若是跟團，有誰敢忘記自己的團名，團員，導遊或領隊呢？連自己的團名跟導遊都不知道，當然會找不到行李寄放牌啊！

4.我怎麼打電話回大陸？
你怎麼來台灣的？

5.請問現在幾點了?
時間如果很重要，請帶好手錶，就算沒有習慣，你現在在別的國家。時間如果不重要，那就別問。

至於噴飯的問題，排名的有：
1.我這張卡片可以刷吧？(可以，只要不是運通卡都收。)那我這張卡可以嗎？還有這張卡呢？
先生，讓我通通幫你刷一遍，你回去後看有沒有帳單，有的話，就是能用了。

2.先生，我的手機怎麼沒有訊號呢？(你是用台灣的門號嗎？)不是，不過我在北京辦的。
.....我還需要回答嗎？

3.我要充手機，需要變壓器嗎？(充電器上有標註100-240福特，全世界的電壓都能用)那我這可以接110的電嗎？
...............

4.你們早餐是素的嗎？ (是，我們早餐是全素的) 那吃得到葷食嗎？
...............

我非常驚訝，即使不是背包客，不能自理，不能自主，沒有自信的程度也太誇張了，一堆基本的常識也似乎沒有。我真的，很不能忍受白痴。其實這個精神，就好像新買了一台音響，有的人會看好說明書，或是看著按鍵的指示一步一部操作，了解每個按鍵的功能，把整台機器摸熟。有的人就怎麼也不肯嘗試，死也不肯，反正總是找的到別人幫他。爲什麼有腦筋不要動？有手有腳也不要動好了，最好有嘴不要講話！真的，黃皮膚的人，走到哪裡吵到哪裡。這支民族，我看就這樣了。
離題太多，本來想要好好分享泰簽免費的訊息，不知不覺就扯到這裡來。我在泰國被當泰國人，還不錯喔，許多門票都免了。接著再慢慢分享旅遊的趣聞吧！

Alicia Keys - If I Ain't Got You

2009-02-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me a world on a silver platter,
And what good would it be?
No one to share, no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you
If I ain't got you with me baby

Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

Alicia Keys - Why Do I Feel So Sad

2009-02-27T09:21:00.000-08:00

Friends we've been for so long
Now true colors are showing
Makes me wanna cry oh yes it does
Cuz I had to say goodbye

By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

How can I adjust
To the way that things are going
It's killing me slowly
Oh I just want it to be how it used to be

Cuz I wish that I could stay
But in time things must change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize
Your actions speak much louder than words
So tell me why oh

By now I should know that
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

By now I should know
That in time things must change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

By now by now I should know
That in time things must grow
And I had to leave you behind
So why do I feel so sad
If it couldn't be that bad
Tell me why

By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

為所能，不為所不能 To those who happen to visit here

2009-02-23T10:03:00.000-08:00

如果憤怒可以是人們抒發情緒的一種途徑，我相信宣洩或抱怨也能夠成為正面的力量。我誠實地在自己的部落格裡敢言敢怒，不過是願意與閱讀我文字的任何人分享心情。一個對著自己的煩擾怒吼的人，並不意味他不願意或不再能夠繼續前進；沒有馬上迎擊也不表示失去鬥志。我在自己的大門裡狂乖，半點傷害的意思都沒有，包含我自己。
任何密切的關係都需要對話，能夠傾聽才可以真正了解彼此。任何單方面的理解，只不過是空洞的想像。如果誰想要改變別人一絲一毫，那正說明了對方一點也不重要。深切的關愛必定是了解，體諒，與支持。任何一切形式的約束或是限制，永遠扼殺世上的最美好。正因為我不再是血氣方剛的少年，我不會再有(也不需要有)不必要的氣焰。能量不一定都要外顯，內化的堅定也不一定較弱。我並不傾向於突顯生命的逆流，就算有這些難題，我仍然可以不偏不倚，即使速度緩慢。
誰都喜歡扮演上帝，我也曾經是茶餘飯後的話題。我的朋友被集結過，對我抗爭一個虛假的事實。那都過了，我不會也不願再讓任何人的的習慣牽絆我，我也不再讓任何留言飛語，甚至是誰的阻嚇讓我變得軟弱。因為，我不應該活在任何人的期許中，除非我願意。你會認同即便是父母也不應該這樣對待自己的孩子，所有的壓抑都不能得到最好的解放，至少你能分清楚教養跟禁錮，擁有和霸佔。我活著，並非只是存在。
我想你能夠了解，煩惱不過來自於貪嗔癡。如果我學不會滿足，我想讓自己能夠學會滿足，我還想學會珍惜。知道自己在哪裡，能做什麼，必須做什麼，跟認不認命沒有關係，更非關低頭不低頭。我希望，自己為所能，不為所不能，是一種智慧，而不是貪得無饜地把自己的慾望養大。沒有貪就不會有癡，我是凡人，但至少我會要求自己在能貪的時候再貪，能癡的時候再癡。至於嗔，交給沒有理智或者願意的人去做。
我可能很冷漠，可能很無所謂，但如果你真正聽到我的聲音，你會知道我並不自私，你也會知道我暖得像太陽。我其實只是想灑脫，你應該可以懂。如果你用心傾聽，距離再遠也能夠傳達。你期待什麼，你可以自己決定。你相信你可以了解，你就必定可以了解。了解之後，你才能支持。
我，沒有變弱。^_^
Still, I really appreciate your concern. Thank you.

那些思鄉的惆悵-3

2009-02-22T01:08:00.000-08:00

等待放榜的同時，我和弟弟到北部來過暑假。媽媽在板橋租了間小套房，差不多有六、七坪大。平常我會和弟弟四處探索，我把台北這個大城市當作是冒險的好地方，「迷路」是正值血氣方剛的我不曾顧慮到的兩個字。一棟棟高大的建築，不斷釋放它們的魔力吸引我，這可能比考上省中要令我興奮得多。相信即使花一整天在這都市裡閒晃，我身上沸騰的血液仍然不會平靜。在這繁華的街道上，就這樣多出一頭飢渴的獸。這頭獸的貪婪永無止境，別想要制服牠，別天真地以為，牠會安分於有個飼主。
「宗，明年你也要考試了，好好準備。」弟弟只顧著看他心愛的電玩，不太理我。這條街其實很簡單，也說不上長，但是幾乎每一個店家我和弟弟都進去過了。服飾店、運動用品店、唱片行，當然也包含了大賣場、百貨公司等等。偶爾回頭看看，我們第一個光顧的地方還在視線內。逛了一個下午，我正想著待會要吃什麼。
「喂，你餓了沒？」
「嗯…有一點。要吃什麼？」弟弟回過頭來看我。
「隨便啊，吃個炒飯就好。」我看一看附近：「這裡不知道有沒有小吃店，看一看好了。」我們沿路注意著，看到的都是西餐廳或者是快餐店，這裡應該不會有我們想像中的小吃店吧。餐廳裡的人不少，有的是一家人來到這裡，服務生正為他們記下餐點；有的是一群朋友們聚在一起聊天。透過玻璃窗，餐廳裡黃色調燈光下的愉快景象，仍然讓人覺得溫暖。服務生端來熱騰騰的菜，我相信那是一種高級的享受，但卻令我感到陌生，這跟花費沒有多大的關係。即使我只需要掏出口袋裡的幾個銅板，翻開菜單之後我可能不知道要吃什麼，服務生的問題會讓我尷尬，這種對答我生澀極了。拿著餐刀我不知道要切什麼，唯一熟練的就只有筷子，但我知道我不能用筷子將一大塊肉片往嘴裡送。那不是我的生活，至少現在還不是，我明白這一點。
「宗，我們沿路走回去，我記得媽住的地方有一些麵店。」
過了幾條馬路，爬上跨越平交道的天橋，不少小販在天橋上擺地攤。經過時我仍好奇的看著每樣小東西，小販會熱情的招呼：「看看喔！」弟弟不太有興趣，偶爾催促我。下了天橋之後，我們繼續往回家的方向。我發現這座天橋就像一條分界，一邊是繁榮的商圈，充滿都會的氣息；另一邊則是熱鬧的市集，有較傳統的味道。同樣是市集，與家鄉的比起來還是有明顯的差異，這裡的範圍大多了，商店形形色色，行進間我會不時停下來看，每個地方都是新大陸。其中還有不少的電動場、撞球間，這是在家鄉不會看到的。這裡的人多半較年輕，不像商圈裡會遇到的類型，有的如同我們一般年紀，有的大一些。我和弟弟並沒有因為好奇而停留，我們要去的是一個充滿炊煙，可以很隨性看著牆壁上價目表，吆喝兩碗麵和幾道小菜的地方。
媽媽的住處正好在夜市附近，不過我們沒有參與夜市的人聲鼎沸。在一條不是很吵雜的巷子裡，我和弟弟坐在鐵凳子上，等著期待已久的擔仔麵，外加一顆滷蛋，就像在家鄉一樣。
「宗，你有想唸什麼學校嗎？」弟弟沒有答話。
「用功一點，考個省中唸唸。」
「知道啦！省中也有分，要能夠好好唸書，將來考上大學的省中；或是隨便考考，反正就是因為名字好聽，學費便宜。」
「你怎麼這麼說？你不想上大學啊？」弟弟說話一直是這樣漫不經心，我不自主的擺出哥哥的樣子來：「好好唸書，將來考個大學，前途才會光明。」我哪懂得什麼前途？不可否認的，社會為我們灌輸的觀念是這樣。
「好好好，麵來了！」
媽媽住的地方並不是很明亮，除了幾家麵攤跟小炒店，那些路燈只能勉強發出昏暗的顏色。巷子裡的那幅景象，幾乎能清楚的看見空氣中的微塵，幾隻小蟲子在路燈上轉啊轉，還談不上蕭瑟。行走的腳步聲很清晰，除了三五成群的人在這說笑，巷子也算安靜。匍伏在地上的影子都模糊了，偶爾在垃圾堆裡出現的貓狗，毛躁撥弄著黑色袋子。通常這時候媽媽已經出門，日夜相反的生活她不知道維持了多久；但今天媽媽特別請假，好不容易，她想與我們多聊聊，看看已經長大的孩子們。
對於我和弟弟而言，這回事是過於矯情的。或許也不會這麼在意，只是因為媽媽在我們心裡就是稱為「媽媽」的女人，她曾經是生下我們的母親。我們不知道從前發生了什麼，也不會了解；至少當前我們無法體會什麼是大人，那些憤怒和爭執，不是我們所關心的。上電梯之後，我順便打了個嗝，方才的擔仔麵還停在我的味覺中。
「回來啦！你們去哪裡了？」媽媽躺在床上看電視。
這間套房格局並不大，進了玄關先是廚房，然後才是臥房。廁所正好在廚房的另一面牆，與廚房合起來是一個臥房寬。客廳也在臥房裡，嚴格的說，或許沒客廳可言。因為狹小的面積，家俱的擺設通通在一塊。再往裡邊一點，是一大片落地門窗，銜接陽台。
「沒有啊，就到處晃晃。」我和弟弟一邊脫下鞋襪。
「去哪裡晃？這麼晚了應該也沒有地方可以去。」媽媽看著我們：「你們不是不熟嗎？這麼晚了晃去哪裡？」她比較好奇我們怎麼能在不熟的地方待這麼久。
「就板橋啊！不然還能去哪？我不會搭公車，就算要去哪裡，也不知道路。」
「重點是不知道有哪裡可以去啦！」弟弟搭著腔。
「哈哈…不過板橋就這麼大，你們還能這麼晚回來啊？」
「不會啊！跟家裡比板橋很大了。」家鄉那座村子半小時就可以繞完一圈。
「而且街上有好多東西。如果妳跟我們一樣每一家店都進去看，也會這麼晚回來。」
「哥，會更晚！你要知道叫『媽媽』的人永遠會因為購物而忘了時間，再加上殺個價什麼的，噢，上廁所都免了！」
「太誇張了吧！媽才不會像別人一樣殺價。」媽媽噗嗤笑了出來：「台北就這樣而已啊，你們要出去別玩太晚，很危險的，況且你們路不熟。」
「唉…放心，我們順著原來的路走回來就好啦！」
這天晚上媽媽準備我們最愛吃的醃肉乾，三個人一邊吃著一邊聊起來，媽媽不忘關心我考試的情形。我相信沒有一個母親不關愛子女，這種關愛是永遠不會停止的。其實我們和媽媽不見得熟悉，但是所謂的熟悉該如何定義？至少對於我們母子之間是很難下註解的。或許從媽媽懷我們開始，我們這樣親密著，那獨有的呼吸節奏和韻律，正是世上最美的和諧。我的脈動只有媽媽知道，那是一段很長的睡眠，有如籠罩在星空下的湖泊，這種寧靜與安祥會在我們身體裡不停地循環。如果我們曾經是這樣的熟悉，那麼每當我們面對彼此的時候，要如何表現已經遺忘的熟悉呢？我們更加陌生於陌生了。然而，我們兄弟倆跟媽媽並沒有過度的不自然，說不定沒有人想這麼多，充其量就是探究彼此的生活，那個我們沒有互相參與到的生活。
一天上午，媽媽陪著我和弟弟到車站買預售票。車站的人很多，有的要買票搭車，有的剛下車要離開，有的則是順著車站的天橋來來回回。車站的另一頭正好是鬧區，也是我跟弟弟常去的地方。在那炎熱而潮濕的氣氛，媽媽的手機響了。
「喂…嗯，我們現在在車站，要劃位置。…」我猜到是爸爸打來的電話，通常家裡頭打電話來，媽媽會先看我們一眼。「啊？是喔？…嗯，好。…我會好好告訴他。…嗯，我知道。…好啦，我們要劃位置，以後再說。」
媽媽掛了電話，看著我嘆一口氣。我屏著氣，那應該是最長也最安靜的一秒鐘。「你爸爸打來的，要我跟你說一件事。」
快說，我最討厭在我強烈鎮定的時候，還得慢慢等待。
「聯考放榜了，你沒有上第一志願。」
我仍然很鎮定，拒絕這個消息的入侵。然而原本那股胸有成竹，以及抱著輕鬆愉快的心情渡過的暑假，就在同一時間僵化了。這應該是個玩笑，一個莫名其妙的玩笑。媽媽沒有再說什麼，我們漸漸走到售票窗口，弟弟靠在分隔排隊人群的欄杆上，試著要跳上去坐著。
「禮拜三下午一點零六分自強號，兩張…」一樣吵雜的人聲，漸漸剩下媽媽跟售票員的對話。那年夏天變的好蕭瑟，公車經過所排放出的廢氣，讓街道變得灰灰藍藍的。

他其實沒那麼喜歡你 / He’s just not that into you

2009-02-21T12:03:00.001-08:00

上週六去看了一部電影，距離上次到戲院去，應該是好幾世紀以前了吧！同是欲望城市的編劇，在「他」片中也探討了都會男女的愛情面相。這種輕鬆小品，很適合在週末放鬆心情。相信很多人看了多半會冒出：「對對對，就是這個樣子。」似乎在愛情的世界裏，總是不出那幾個情節，總會有幾個一定要有的過程，或者互動。不論是哪一種階段，人們總是會找些藉口安慰自己或他人。很可能不知道答案是可以避免傷害，或者把傷害降到某種程度，然而我認為沒有答案本身就是傷害了。矛盾的是，我們很難不遇到沒有答案的狀況；最好的方式也是最爛的方式，就是不要開始。你行嗎？我不行。

我非常喜歡電影中穿插了一些現實情節，其中有兩個黑人女人談論著被甩的經驗，或者說是男人怎麼找藉口甩掉你。「我不想阻礙你的成長！」、「我不想讓你不快樂！」、「我真嫉妒未來要娶你的那個人！」（但為何他們不想當那個人）以及最經典的「我配不上你」（他應該再加上一個「我媽不喜歡你」），然後他們會讓你以為分手都是自己的錯，分手都是你提的，當你還是難過為失戀自暴自棄胖了幾公斤，他已經開始了下一段戀情。如果你有了以上這些情形出現的話，趕快去買些高熱量的食物來吃吧，因為你已經被甩了。...這段對話讓全場哄堂大笑。

劇中作者提出了幾點：

1. 要是他不約你出去，他其實沒那麼喜歡你。
2. 要是他沒打電話，他其實沒那麼喜歡你。
3. 要是他不跟你約會，他其實沒那麼喜歡你。
4. 要是他不跟你親熱，他其實沒那麼喜歡。
5. 要是他劈腿，他其實沒那麼喜歡。
6. 要是他只有在醉茫茫時才想見你，他其實沒那麼喜歡你
7. 要是他不想結婚，他其實沒那麼喜歡你。
8. 要是他要求分手，他其實沒那麼喜歡你。
9. 要是他演出失蹤記，他其實沒那麼喜歡你。
10. 要是他是有婦之夫(任何型式的不倫之戀也在此列)，他其實沒那麼喜歡你。
11. 要是他是個自私自利的痞子、以大欺小的惡霸、道道地地的怪胎，他其實沒那麼喜歡你。
這些並不是標準答案，不過還頗耐人尋味。我常常在想，世界上有多少寂寞的人，在不同的角落等待另外一個人出現。如果在這麼樣渺小的機率中，我們正好碰上了，我是不是就再也不要讓你消失不見？這不過就是過於浪漫卻不切實際的衝動。然而說穿了，他不喜歡你，你也莫可奈何。嘿，你符合幾項了呢？

那天跟朋友聊天，他說了許多他對於愛情的觀點，其中包含道德、家庭觀等等。例如有沒有可能喜歡上兩個人？如果認同的話是不是代表自己也有可能愛上兩個人，或是允許這種機會的發生？沒有婚姻(或形式上的承諾)是不是不夠愛你？說到最後，朋友以為我是個可以同時愛上兩個人，並且可以接受對方沒有形式上的承諾而仍相信對方愛著你。不過，我只不過是讓我自己能夠接受這些，重點不是接受或認同什麼，而是我自己慢慢地有了這些特質，就是以對方為出發點，滿足對方，並且接納對方。我是說，如果我愛他的話。但是我自己卻不會允許自己有這些機會，如果，我是說如果，每個人都是這樣的，那根本不會有太多愛情上的問題。別老是在意或質疑對方付出多少，只專注在能給對方多少，還能多少，還能再多少...即使這是瘋子才會做的事情。

劇中不是每個人都有happy ending，有了happy ending的也不一定是真的ending。愛情的欲望，是很難斬斷的。然而對我來說，我的愛情就像劇中說的：We are the rule.

這個好笑，劇中三個男演員拍胸脯保證該片中不會出現的十個老梗，還親自示範。(Eric，抱歉借你的翻譯一用)
#10.沒有服裝大改造片段
#09.沒有胡亂拿東西當麥克風唱歌
#08.沒有古怪、愛酸人或口無遮攔的best friend
#07.沒有一夜情之後隔天發現對象是新上司
#06.沒有人哭的時候靠著牆壁滑下來 (這個超好笑)
#6.5.沒人又笑又哭
#05.沒有亂說話的老人
#04.沒人狂奔去阻止某人做某件事 (這也有好笑到)
#03.沒有躺下的分割畫面 (真是少女啊，但我懂)
#02.沒有人為了得到對方，說了一堆喜歡對方的原因
#01.沒有墜入情網的過程片段 (那個表情實在是...)

好不痛快

2009-02-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

早跟你說過了，沒那種運氣就別碰。默默的不是很好？！不也低調很久了，這樣並沒什麼不好，至少不會丟人現眼。朋友不多有啥關係？一兩個，交心就好。你難過的時候，低潮的時候，還不是他們聽你說。上次闖了禍飛到美國去，誰支持你走過來？不會走的永遠不會走。沒圈內朋友也就算了，不要貪心成這樣，難道你有的還不夠？好好工作，好好生活，多少人放無新假，你不但工作好好的，連薪水也沒有減半分。好，我知道你不曾好好談過戀愛，但戀愛能怎樣？沒有它你不會死。爲什麼一定要別人來懂你、寵你、縱容你？你再懂你自己不過了，自己寵好自己，巴望什麼？你值嗎？
對，你不是唯一的一個，像你一樣的人多得很，怎麼別人就能不抱怨？你偏偏沉不住氣。看你越是這副德性我就越是他媽的不爽。看看你現在多窩齉...愛說是吧？再說啊！再好的人有什麼用，怎麼？說到底人家對你一點意思也沒有，再好又如何？沒意思就是沒意思，我告訴你，他寧願擺著單身也不會多看你一眼。你以為你的雞巴大家都想舔嗎？靠北你搞清楚，你不是唯一有雞巴的人。幾歲的人了，還要人家來告訴你嗎？照照鏡子吧，誰喜歡你這胖子？皮膚油油膩膩的，臉上坑坑疤疤的，個性古怪又悶，還以射手之名裝什麼陽光，少噁心了，操你媽的不自量力。人家朋友多，工作優，薪水高，多人追，你能排第幾個？還去剪這什麼鳥頭？比雞巴頭還醜。誰像你過這麼低下這麼糟的生活？賴蛤蟆就是賴蛤蟆，吃你的臭蟲去，回你的臭水溝去，幹！難道你就不能安份一點，認份一點？你，就是沒那種命，沒有。
靠，要跌倒幾次才會知道痛？再也沒有看過比你笨的人了，要我怎麼跟你說才會明白？才會醒悟？其他人不也告訴你，他不會喜歡你的，只是朋友，就是朋友，你別搞得連朋友都無法。唉，老實說，你這樣愚蠢，他根本連朋友也都不想當。我是第幾個這樣告訴你的人了？要幾個人來告訴你呢？還是要講多重的話呢？我還說得不夠重嗎？操你個爛雞巴臭屌賤個性的死婊子，滾回去吧，你不配。聽到了沒有？你不配！
說完了，你走吧...

那些思鄉的惆悵-2

2009-02-16T09:36:00.001-08:00

才剛結束軍旅生活，阿嬤就因為跌了一跤，送進慈濟關山分院。爸爸是最辛苦的，他必須放下工作，每晚到醫院照顧阿嬤。我則是負責白天，久而久之跟醫院裡的護士們也熟了。我到達醫院的時候，阿嬤通常已經用過早餐，護士按時將藥放在病床旁邊的桌上。雖然已經七十六歲，阿嬤總是能夠清楚的分辨每天，甚至每餐要吃的藥。如果可以，她會親自分配好，所謂三折肱成良醫。自從摔跤後，固定三餐的消炎藥常常只吃兩顆。阿嬤說如果真的照三餐吃，反而會造成她腸胃負荷不了，或是便秘等等。我不清楚，只知道這是醫生的指示，一定要吃；有時候因為這樣我會生阿嬤的氣，我們雙方的堅持絕不會交集。
「阿嬤！你早上的藥是不是沒有吃？」護士小姐高聲問道。
「有啦！那是我叫我後生先準備好的，那個藥我厝裡就有啊。」有時候我真的不知道阿嬤是不是真的吃了藥。的確，平常醫生開給阿嬤的藥很多，醫院提供的難免會重複。
「你要讓阿嬤按時吃藥喔，還沒有經過醫生同意之前，我不能減少用量。」
「我知道。」面對護士小姐的認真，我很怕她發現我的心虛。其實要同時照顧阿嬤的身體跟心情，我根本進退維谷。這樣拉扯持續了不少日子。有一天我終於忍不住，為了阿嬤不吃胃藥賭氣不說話，靜靜的整理病床四周。阿嬤看在眼裡，緩緩道出：「醫生說這藥要吃嗎？哪是這樣等一下醫生來我跟他悔失禮，阿嬤吾知道醫生多開這帖藥…」我是有反應的，只是表現不出來。阿嬤不知道我跟著她的病痛一起不舒服，只能默默打轉著腦子。阿嬤和病痛的糾葛，就如同我每天在醫院與擔憂相互僵持一般，也如同那些被留下來的一顆顆胃藥一樣，被蓄意遺忘或者艱難地忽略了。
「小青啊，阿嬤要小便，你扶我起來好嗎？」我放下手上的雜誌，彎下腰準備將床底下的便盆拿起來。
「不是，我想要去椅子上坐。」阿嬤指的椅子其實就是便椅。即使不放心，但讓她起來活動活動也好。於是我放下便盆，然後將病床的欄杆向下扣。
「卡慢咧，從這邊開始。」阿嬤忍著疼痛，我小心翼翼地支撐著。人們說老人就像小孩，我用不著理解阿嬤的堅持與固執；就像小時後，阿嬤也不需要明白我的任性與霸道。雖然我和爸爸早已準備了尿布，阿嬤仍會希望如往常一般上廁所，一張尿布可以用很久。或者說，它就像衣著一樣被穿著，根本沒有發揮功能。
「慢切，阿嬤走不動。我們躺著尿好嗎？…」有時候我真的會耐不住性子，阿嬤其實也知道自己可能走不動，但總是想試試看。如果我知道阿嬤並不想麻煩我們，她希望藉由幾次的練習之後能夠自己行動，那麼我會為自己當下的情緒感到羞恥。不論做過多少次，阿嬤絕不會忘記叮嚀我要準備水和毛巾，她希望如廁後能夠擦拭身體。我從來不會怪阿嬤，只是覺得很麻煩，浴室熱水器壞了，我必須到樓下的飲水機裝熱水。
莫約下午四點左右，值班護士會來幫阿嬤換藥，我還沒有直視過她開刀後的傷口。在阿嬤瘦弱且充滿皺折的皮肉上，補上一道大而有力的縫痕，我感到很心酸。
「阿嬤，你今天好嗎？」護士小姐熟稔的在阿嬤大腿上塗藥水，我握著她細瘦的手掌。
「喔…這我孫子啦…他每天都會來照顧我。」護士小姐知道阿嬤聽力不好，也因為常常回答的不對主題，逗的護士們很開心，也因此很喜歡阿嬤。每當跟阿嬤對談過後，護士小姐就忘了一天的辛勞。
這五天以來，我和爸爸輪流到醫院去。最後的幾天，阿嬤已經可以自行走動，她時常走到醫院裡的佛堂拜拜。我很開心的！
「你看這尊菩薩好漂亮。」阿嬤臉上露出難得的笑容，她臉上的皺紋也更加有弧度，特別是她眼角的魚尾紋，就像在告訴我阿嬤現在很滿足。
「當然啊！觀世音菩薩會保佑阿嬤的。」
「不是啦！」阿嬤回答我：「那是文殊菩薩。」
「你看，文殊菩薩在右邊，拿著蓮花。中間的是觀世音菩薩，祂拿著淨瓶和柳枝啊！」
「喔…對啦對啦，是觀世音菩薩。」我就這樣陪阿嬤在走廊上散步，她已經可以出院。
不知道什麼時候開始，阿嬤就有高血壓和心臟病，這次的手術不論是爸爸還是姑姑，都下了很大的決心。阿嬤將近吃了四、五年的素，這也是堅持。「我有跟佛祖發願說要吃素，這樣才能夠把我對惡業和過去總總的懺悔回向給你們。」阿嬤這麼說。阿嬤老了很多，也瘦了很多，唯一沒有改變的，是她一貫急躁的性情，還有任何事情都要了解的習慣。爸爸出門辦事情，或是姑姑到美髮院洗頭，阿嬤一定要問個清楚。她對家裡頭每個人的關愛，也是永遠不會變的。好一段時間，阿嬤的身體狀況一直以藥物控制；這次出院後，家人對阿嬤的身體狀況更加謹慎注意。「媽，妳要多吃一點，這樣才會有體力。」阿嬤每天被姑姑餵的很飽足。不過她的表情並沒有因為飽足而顯得安穩，只有她知道自己的秘密。
我相信在阿嬤的皺紋裡有說不完的故事，每一道線條背後都有不為人知的辛酸。在那個年代，阿嬤是一位高材生。日本統治台灣的背景中，阿嬤是少數有高等科學位的女性。我不懂什麼是高等科，只知道那時候有高等科學位的人，經過實習訓練後是可以當教師的。然而在傳統的觀念下，曾祖母並不贊成阿嬤接受實習；她認為女孩子不應該這樣離鄉背井，拋頭露面，況且一個女人要好好相夫教子，不用唸這麼多書。「恁阿祖就不讓阿嬤去實習，我只好在家裁縫，幫人家做衣服。」阿嬤也說不上深感惋惜，她就像說故事一樣告訴我。「阿嬤，妳如果去實習就不會認識阿公啦！」我調侃阿嬤。由阿嬤的表情我能夠感受到她的幸福與滿足。「三八孫子…」人的際遇就像魔術一樣，你不知道下一刻會出現什麼。也許驚奇，也許震撼，然而每個魔術師總會有讓觀眾驚嘆的本事。
經過醫生詳細的檢查，阿嬤的胰臟發炎了。我們原本以為要讓阿嬤出院後多吸收營養，反而讓她的消化系統造成病變。再次進入醫院，阿嬤必須靠點滴維持，所有的食物都不能入口，包括水和口服藥。爸爸臉上露出的焦慮，已經不比以前單純，但是他不會輕易說出。從小，爸爸和姑姑就以理頭髮這項技藝撐起家計。隨著時代的變遷，這項傳統的行業型態已經逐漸被取代；那些美髮沙龍、以專業設計為導向的店家不斷成長。即使是鄉下地方，理髮師仍然不會有固定的收入；由於季節等各因素，客人只要一少，收入便會下滑。我知道爸爸擔心的是什麼，阿嬤這幾次住院，扣掉健保後的給付金額仍然讓他吃緊。我很想做些什麼。
「要不要請個看護？…這樣平常時也有人幫忙照料。」阿嬤除了在醫院，日常生活都是姑姑負責張羅。姑姑身體也不好，她是累了。我沒有回答，在我腦海浮現的，是一堆負擔不起的數字。
一天，我在報紙上看到一則科技公司的徵人啟示。我的心飛了，這是一個不容錯過的機會。進入科技公司一直是我的目標，這不正好也能解決當下的現實問題嗎？趁阿嬤用過午餐之後，我溜到電話亭打電話給在台北的弟弟，請他幫我刊登履歷。當時我簡直興奮過頭，忘了我在醫院的責任，直到爸爸出現在我面前。
「你去哪裡啊？阿嬤一直叫你，最後讓我打電話給你爸爸。」回病房的途中，護士的問題讓我羞愧不已。
「我已經幫阿嬤換好尿布了，別再亂跑喔！」我沒有後悔要弟弟幫我刊登履歷，但我很自責忽略了阿嬤。爸爸什麼也沒說，還不忘了問我吃飽沒。
「你去哪裡啊？阿嬤都叫沒人，我以為你又到關山街上去買東西了。」阿嬤一點都沒有責備的意思，但為什麼我卻連簡單的對不起都說不出來？跟阿嬤撒撒嬌也好。
「你休息一下，我待會送你回去。」爸爸那句話就像是溫柔的懲罰。
一進家門，我迅速躲進房間，為我的過錯深深懺悔。到了晚飯時間，我一點胃口也沒有，爸爸已經坐到餐桌上，他吃完飯還要趕到醫院去。
「你明天不用去醫院了，我去就好。再說阿嬤也拿你沒辦法…」我很想跟爸爸談談，所以也坐到餐桌前，不過爸爸先對我開口。爸爸的語氣仍然很平和，他幾乎不會對我大聲斥責，也不會直接說我不是。我的心情更加沉重，爸爸夾起一撮青菜，放在他專用的塑膠碗公裡。
「爸，我今天在報紙上看到徵才啟示。那是一家很有名的科技公司，我對這個產業很有興趣。」
「嗯，很好啊，我知道你想要工作。」
「我打電話給宗，要他幫我登履歷，所以耽擱了阿嬤。」爸爸張口扒著飯，吞下嘴裡的食物後說：「那家公司不錯啊，連爸爸都有聽過，可見很有規模也很有前景。」爸爸對科技產業的了解很有限，難得聽到他知道的公司，不禁露出了滿意的態度。
「你如果可以進這家公司，爸爸會很高興的。我知道你有你的理想，爸爸不會限制你。阿嬤的事情你不用擔心，爸爸會處理。好好去拼！」其實爸爸的心思很細，他很了解我的想法。
「爸，雖然是我的興趣，我的前途；但我很希望能夠幫你分擔開銷。」爸爸沒有回答。
「我一直希望能夠改善家裡的狀況，讓你們不用為債務煩惱。」
在喝湯的同時，爸爸看著我：「恩，你有這樣的想法很好。爸爸以前也有很多理想，但是你阿公跟阿嬤需要人照顧。」
我記得小時後，爸爸曾經到日本工作。但是很多因素，例如我跟弟弟嗷嗷待哺，爺爺奶奶年紀已不勝體力，伯父很早就外出打拼，只剩下姑姑一個人在家裡。固然有再多再好的機會，爸爸終究必須回到家裡，在此不是誰的責任問題，也不是能力，或甚至是選擇的問題。爸爸放棄日本的工作，算不算是犧牲，只有他自己心裡有答案。
「爸，你很偉大…」那是我從小到大頭一次這樣對爸爸說，這需要一點勇氣；人總在想表達情感的時候，往往過於羞澀或者壓抑而開不了口，特別是親情。然而我很高興我對爸爸說出這樣的話。
「這怎麼稱得上偉大？」爸爸停下喝湯的動作，彷彿也因為聽到這樣一句話而感動。
「我記得高中的時候，你曾對我說過一句話：『要讓孩子成功，就必須要犧牲一代。』我一直記得，也知道你為我和弟弟犧牲很多很多，每個父母都希望能從孩子身上看到自己沒有的成就。爸，我會好好努力…」不知道要花多少的力氣，或者說，要有多大的矜持，才能忍住我的淚水。
花了幾個晚上，我到網咖去修改電子履歷表，然後開始安排面試。阿嬤回到家裡靜養後，外籍勞工仲介商的業務員也幾次到家裡來；隨著我要北上的日期也接近，內心只有越來越忐忑。那天下午所有的人都在客廳，連表叔叔也來了，不知怎地，我有些止不住悲傷，漠然離開到阿嬤房間探視，說不定她需要什麼。阿嬤正好醒著，我挪了張椅子坐下，不知不覺開始哭泣。
「安怎啊？你怎麼在哭？什麼代誌說給阿嬤聽。」我說不上來，只是不斷拭著眼淚。
「是不是你媽媽不讓你住這裡？她要你去台北？」
「不是啦…」我深吸一口氣。
「忍耐一點啦！阿嬤隨時會回去，什麼時候也不知道。你剛當完兵，正好家裡需要幫忙，這就代表你跟阿嬤有緣啊！」請不要這樣說下去，我更沒有辦法停止。
「你弟弟現在好嗎？你們有沒有給你媽媽所費？要幫她出一點房租啊，水電也好…」阿嬤一直以為我跟媽媽是建立在這樣陌生的關係上，我想現在不是該解釋的時候。
「阿嬤，我們很好啦！我也不是在甘苦這個。」
「喔…那外面的人在說什麼？」阿嬤想知道客廳聚集的人在談論什麼。
「我們要給妳請個看護啦！這樣姑姑就不會這麼辛苦，妳知道她身體也不是很好…」
「不行！」阿嬤馬上皺起眉頭：「我不要恁這樣，自己照顧就好。阿嬤快要回去了，請個人浪費錢。」
「好！好…」我只能這樣安撫阿嬤。
幾天之後，一位越南的看護來到家裡。阿秋第一次來到台灣，人生地不熟，比較有困難的是語言上的溝通不便，特別是她也不會講英語。通常我們就在又比又劃的方式下，阿秋漸漸學著怎麼照顧阿嬤。我常常猜想阿秋現在是什麼情緒，或是什麼想法，畢竟她無法表達，也可能不能表達。白天阿秋努力忙進忙出，小心翼翼的像是要給主管好印象的員工；固定時間一到，我仍然會提醒阿秋要泡牛奶還是讓阿嬤服藥。有些事情我會自己做，例如攙扶阿嬤上廁所、換尿布等等，不是因為不放心阿秋，只是希望能再多做些什麼。有時候將阿嬤由便椅扶起來，她會因為體力不支而整個人靠在我身上；我順勢替阿嬤穿好褲子或是加件上衣等等。阿嬤這樣依賴在我身上，能夠感受她的體溫還有幾次機會？這再熟悉不過的肢體語言，好像回到從前我倚偎著阿嬤哭訴，阿嬤給我的是一顆糖，如果我也給阿嬤一顆糖，她是否會像我一樣開心的笑了？
通常我晚上會醒著，以便隨時注意阿嬤的需求。姑姑在一天的工作之後，是無法在三更半夜爬起來照顧阿嬤的，看護也睡了；況且阿嬤上下床都需要攙扶，我的力氣會足夠些。一直到北上的前一天晚上，我才告訴阿嬤。她很少對我露出不捨的神情，不論是高中、大學，我每回要離開，阿嬤都是笑著與我道別。臨行當天，阿嬤杵著助行器在起居室走動，我知道她有多賣力。她像是在告訴我不用擔心，她會好好的。看著阿嬤瘦小的背影，那雙扶著助行器卻掩飾不了顫抖的雙手，我很想抱抱她。然而我就在幫阿嬤換完尿布，等她睡去之後匆匆提著包袱搭車去了。窗外那些熟悉的景象快速向後移動，就像一幅幅記憶在眼前旋轉。
「喂，小青啊，你搭上車子了嗎？阿嬤醒來沒看到你，一直在叫你。」接起姑姑打的電話，我靜靜聽著。
「你等等…阿嬤跟你說」
「小青，你要去坐車怎麼沒有跟阿嬤講？你上去之後要好好工作喔！」
「阿嬤，我知道。妳要保重，我會回來看妳…」電話那一頭，傳來的是阿嬤的感傷與不捨，她的淚水模糊了我的視線…

那些思鄉的惆悵-1

2009-02-16T09:32:00.000-08:00

「我明天要去台北。因為請人照顧妳，我要賺錢。」
我在筆記本上寫下斗大的字，為了讓阿嬤不會看的太吃力。這個決定其實讓我想了好多天，但實在不知如何說出口。阿嬤的耳朵已經不靈光，三更半夜，我不希望吵到熟睡的姑姑。那時候，我正好將阿嬤由便椅扶至椅子上，也換好了乾淨的尿布。依照阿嬤的習慣，她一定要測量體溫以及血壓才會安心繼續別的事情。聽到阿嬤的呼喚，我順手拿著筆記本進房。
「妳現在這樣，我很不放心」
「你爸爸知道嗎?」阿嬤問我。
「爸爸知道，也同意。但是妳讓我很擔心，我知道妳很不舒服，這讓我很難過。」阿嬤看著我寫下的字，安靜地點點頭。她的表情很堅忍，我想我們的心情一樣複雜。
「我會寄錢回來，宗也會，家振也會。」阿嬤依然默默地點頭，一句話也沒說。
「現在幫妳包尿布，是希望妳不要為了尿尿起來走動。平常運動沒關係，但是如果常常起來尿尿，妳會感冒，腳的傷口也會發炎。」阿嬤剛摔跤，換了人工關節。體力的退化加上行動不便，她要到便椅上如廁的堅持，讓我們很憂心。
「半夜的時候，大家都睡了。姑姑更年期到了，妳要體諒她。」雖然有個外籍看護，半夜阿嬤想上廁所的時候，仍會依賴性地叫醒姑姑，這讓姑姑白天的忙碌無法得到紓解，何況平常身子就虛。
「現在我在家，半夜可以照顧妳。但如果去台北怎麼辦？我會很牽掛。但不去沒有錢請人照顧妳。」阿嬤將手輕輕拂在額頭上，我的手在發抖。
「這個人剛來，總要慢慢適應。如果真的不行，姑姑會再找一個語言上能溝通的來。」
「不要生自己的氣，不要讓我擔心。」經過長久的病痛，阿嬤常會因為體力不足，走不動的時候，奮力將手上的柺杖痛敲地板。「你放心啦！你就做你去吧，我沒有關係。阿嬤已經老了，什麼時候回去也不知道。我常常跟佛祖講，哪是我要回去了就讓我惦惦啊走，麥後我這麼痛苦。」其實阿嬤比我更需要安慰，我知道她很落寞。除非處於阿嬤的情況下，這樣的落寞沒人能了解。

鋤草

2009-02-13T09:11:00.000-08:00

各位朋友...我知道我的部落個長草了，很高很高。曾經停擺了一陣子，因為實在找不到理由繼續寫下去，要寫什麼，能寫什麼...等等。也或許就是因為射手座三分鐘熱度的個性使然，讓我有個好藉口偷懶。於是我的小說停擺了，我的文字通通停擺了，好像照片也停擺了。不過真的說來，要能夠好好維護部落格需要花很多心思，這對我來說好像蠻困難的。
一個被囚禁的朋友不斷提醒：「你的部落格都沒有更新喔！快點寫些東西啦！」好吧，我是該寫些東西了。我想，就把旅行的東西放上來吧！或許也能把以前寫的東西放上來，也把未完成的東西繼續完成。有些事情根本不需要什麼明確的目的或結果，過程才是最讓人享受的。當然我享受了生活中太多的過程，例如旅行的安排，在旅行中碰到的人事物，生活中的小事情，心情寫照等等。當然，我對於點閱率一點興趣也沒有，那種鼓勵對我來說並無意義。有意義的是，能夠跟讀者的連結，互動。
如果朋友們你看見了，歡迎你回應。不過，以我更新的速度來看，可能回復會晚一點，請多笑納。

Hi Friends.
I know I have not maintained my blog for too long. I was once wondering for what I keep my blog, what I can put on it, or what I can put on it etc. Perhaps as a Saggitarius, I can't remain enthusiastic too long, which becomes a good excuse. Therefore, my novels freeze, and all my words freeze, including my photos. To maintain a blog, however, takes a lot of spirit and energy. This is not easy for me.
A friend who is "grounded" has reminded me again and again, "Hey, your blog is centuries old. Write some things!" Well, I think I should. I can put something about my trips, my old writings, or those I have not finished. Results are not actually the point, but the process. Certainly I have enjoyed so much in my life, such as arranging my trips, those people or anything I met during my trips, even a tiny thing in my daily life or my thoughts. On the other hand, I am at all interested in how many people read my blog, which is not the encouragement. The connection between friends or any readers, if any, and me is just the point.
Freidns, if you see this, please note your responses are welcome. BUT, I might not reply as soon as you expect. Thank you for your understanding. ^^

Bangkok Love Story Theme

2008-07-15T13:41:00.000-07:00

I think I have been poisoned...seriously poisoned. Do you hear It say "Phon Kit Tueng Khun?" I cry every time I see this scene. Phon Rak Khun, It!....Give me some time, please. I will calm down and get back to reality. Hereunder is the lyrics in English and the roman diction. It's so beautiful.

I want to know, but I can't ask

Verse 1:
Just to feel your breath
Just to spend time together
Just to be friends
But it's hard to stop feeling it
What i still wondered is how you really see me
I love you but it's hard to say so

Pre-Chorus:
What is inside, should be kept inside.What we have today is already good, isn't it?

Chorus:
Have you ever have a room for me?
Have you ever looked at me?
Who are we really to each other?
Have you ever have a room for me?
That's only what i wanted to know.
It bothers me but I'm afraid to ask.
I'm afraid that you might change.(I'm afraid it might be unbearable)

Verse 2:
I'd better not asking,since it might break my heart.

*Pre-chorus, **Chorus (2 times)

"yaak roo ... dtae mai yaak taam"

daai chit piang lom haai jai kae daai chai way-laa ruam gank
kae peuan tao nan dtae man gern haam jaik
tee kaang nai kwaam roo-seuk waa leuk ter kit yang ngaik
rak ter tao-rai dtae mai koie poot gank
*
a-rai tee yoo nai jai gor gep ao wai man mee kwaam sook kae nee gor dee maak maaik
ter ja mee jai reu bplao ter koie mong maa tee chan reu bplao tee rao bpen yoo nan keu a-raik
ter ja mee jai reu bplao man keu kwaam jing tee chan yaak roo dti yoo nai jaik
dtae mai yaak taam glua waa ter bplian bpaikmai taam yang dee sa gwaa pror chan roo taa rao taam gank
glua kam-kam nan aat tam raai hua jaik
(*)
ter ja mee jai reu bplao ter koie mong maa tee chan reu bplao tee rao bpen yoo nan keu a-raik
ter ja mee jai reu bplao man keu kwaam jing tee chan yaak roo dti yoo nai jaik
dtae mai yaak taam glua rap man mai waik
ter ja mee jai reu bplao man keu kwaam jing tee chan yaak roo dti yoo nai jaik
dtae mai yaak taam glua rap man mai waik

Bangkok Love Story

2008-07-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

"If love can help get rid of loneliness, why should people resist it?"

I was late for this movie. A friend told me about it but at first it was on in Taipei. Gush, Taipei again. Then I forgot it slowly. Maybe not, cause I kept waiting for the release of DVD, since it might not be on in Kaohsiung. One day when I was shopping I noticed the DVD. Finally! Again, I did not watch it right away, but a week later. Today is the second day when I watch it, and it is the third time. The movie has totally blown me away. I fancy the actor Chaiwat Tongseng so much. If he were just standing at me, I believe I could not hold myself. What a fuckingly cute, handsome, and sexy boy. The story is about a killer who is told to catch a cop. But the killer never kills good guys. Then they run away from the gang, which makes them start to hide themselves. However, the killer gets a gun shot on his arm when running. Then the cop stays with the killer taking good care of him. Their affection grows slowly in their interaction.

The killer is cool and hardly shows his feeling. So he tries to pretend nothing. Yet the cop is so happy that he finally realizes what he is hoping for in his life. After they have sex, the killer can't take it any more and forces the cop to leave. The sad cop goes home but can't stop thinking of the killer.

"Mhek, I know you are here. Have you ever thought of someone so much that you can't describe it? Have you? Mhek, I miss you." The cop goes back to the killer's shelter but the killer always hide from him. When hearing the cop shout crazily, the killer weeps in the shade. Shit! Why? But this is how the movie takes me. "I miss you Mhek!" he cries out almost with anger. "Mhek, phom kit tueng khun~~"

"Mhek, why are you hiding from me? I love you Mhek. I don't know why I love you so. But no need for the reason. Mhek, what about you? Do you love me? If you love me, please put on this ring. If you don't, then throw it away." Fuck, give it to me if he doesn't. I love you!...Sorry I just can't help it. Well, the cop keeps looking for the killer. Actually the killer is not hiding from the cop, but his own feelings. Later on the killer's mother is killed by the gang. The killer is going to take the revenge. It (the cop) tries to stop Mhek but it's too late and loses vision. And Mhek is sent into jail.

"Mhek, how are you there? Is everything ok with you?"
"It, what's wrong with your eyes?"
"Don't worry about me. It's ok."
"I am asking you what's wrong with your eyes?"
"Remember the day when you took revenge? I tried to stop you but it was too late. Then I lost the vision."
Mhek drops the tears, which seems to say "Why do you treat me so well?"
"Mhek, you don't wear the ring I gave you. That means...you....." It touches Mhek's bare hands.
"I do carry it. It's here nearest my heart." Mhek leads It's hand to the chest pocket of the clothes.
"Mhek, take care. I love you."
It smiles, but I cry.

Finally it's time for Mhek to get out of jail. It is waiting for him there. It is a raining day.
"I thought no one would come."
"Here I come."
"Let's go." It almost slips in the rain since he can't see things.
"It, from now on I am your eyes."
"Do you still plan to move to the countryside?"
"I'll stay in Bangkok for a while."
"Then stay with me, so that you can be my eyes."
"Don't you move to the countryside with me?"
"Of course I want to! Don't you promise me to be my eyes?"

It comes the sound of the thunder. At the same time, a gun shot takes Mhek's life.
"We will be together. I will go wherever you go. How do you think about it? Have you falled in love with me?....Mhek?...Mhek?............."
Mhek lies on the ground. It cries with his broken heart, holding Mhek's body.
"Mhek, you have promised me we will be together forever. I love you Mhek....I love you."
Then It gets the vision back. It is not mentioned but I believe that's Meng's eyes. It watches the vedio in the cellphone he gave to Mhek long ago.

"It, I am not sure if you will see this. But if you see this, that means in my heart I love you as well. I will always love you, until I stop breathing."

Yes I am exactly late for the movies, because I did not know it was also on in Kaohsiung which I did not know. Even if so, I was still late since the DVD was released in May, and I found it in July. In the movie, the characters present the perfect lovers which we might not be lucky enough to meet in the real life. I was totally touched by It, whom Chaiwat Thongsang acts as. He is so loyal, tender, and patient to Mhek. When he first said "Phom Rak Khun" (I love you) to Mhek, I was melted away. I put strong affection on the character because he is just the perfection. In fact, none of the actors in the movies is gay. Besides, knowing Chaiwat Thongsang is only 20 years old, I also felt a little disappointed. But looking at the reality, they are just people who are far away from me even though they were gay. However, I still can't stop thinking about Chaiwat Thongsang. He is the reflection of my expectation. Or, it should be the character It that I strongly fall in love with. Not only Bangkok Love Story, but any other touching movies would take me away. Brokeback Mountain is one. But Bangkok Love Story is the recent one. I don't know how much longer I still won't be about to pull myself back. I will keep wondering where my It is. But somehow I feel very happy to have this way of releasing my feelings.

Phom Rak Khun, It.

(15)

2008-05-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

At the moment my cellphone rang.
"Hello. Who was calling?"
"Jerry, it's me. I have been waiting for long."
"Jerry is not here."
What?...Jerry was not there? Then who was talking to me?

**********************************************************************************************************************************

For months, my debts had been caught up with. Even thought Jerry would be bossy to me when I tried to chat to him at work, I still could not help talking as I saw him online. Well, it did not affect my work at all since I would still arrange everything well. I believed I was very responsible. Brian sat beside me. Our desks were next to each other. In addition to work, he also filled his life with working out at the gym and the trips to where he would like to go. I just wanted to have a trip to the US. As Brian went travelling, I had to take his place to take care of his clients and followed up the cases in process. Then Mr Chang, our boss, found that I did computer graphic design. He sometimes would want me to put our products on the cars on market. The pictures would help him do the marketing. And I would negotiate with the web designer, and the ad designer etc. But I was not available enough for website and brochures because my work loads overwhelmed me already.

"Try to use this: Please informed that...." Ok, then I was pretty sure that Allen got no sense of the passive voice since he corrected my sentence "Please be informed that..." He also tried to "teach" me that "Attached please find the file in the mail" as he read my line "Please find the file as the attachment in the mail." He told me without patient: "You are teaching at Global Village. Why do you write English sentences like this?" I really wished that Allen could have corrected me for other things about business. He was the head, so that I could not argue anything about my sentences. But didn't he have other things than that to tell? "Alright." I always wanted to say more things than this.

"I will carry you into my house when I meet you, my bride."
"No, you can't. I am heavy." Sometimes we would chat online when I got to Global Village earlier.
"I have muscles"
"Yes?"
"And I will make you pregnant."
"How can you? I am not a girl."
"Oh...I am so glad you are not a girl. But are you sure you won't get pregnant? You will see!" Jerry was kidding again. "Yes, I am sure."
"But we can take turns. And see who gets pregnant first."
"No one."
"Yes. There will be one."
"Ok, ok. There will be."
"Honey, we have an American saying: I will make you barefoot and pregnant."
"Does it really mean the good thing?"
"I think so. And I want to make you barefoot and pregnant."
"Why barefoot?"
"I don't know. Maybe it means I won't let you go any more." ...why did it sound strange to me?

The Dragon Boat Festival was coming in May. I really liked to introduce traditional festivals to Jerry. There would always be a lot of stories or legends about the festivals to tell. Sometimes I would prepare the traditional food about the festival to mail Jerry. But for the Dragon Festival, it was impossible for me to mail him the rice dumplings. I could only show him the pictures and tell him the story. As the festival was coming, we had to get prepared for an exhibition taking place in Taipei World Trade Center. It was a show for cars and anything relative, including the accessories our company sold. We joined the show to meet the old clients and to dig out more potentials. Normally we would try our best to get as many orders from the clients as possible on the show. Of course it would be great if we could also get orders from potentials. I exactly knew I would not be able to enjoy anything there, but only to drain myself on each day's show. Originally, I would be sharing one hotel room with Brian. But later on Mr. Chang would stay in the same room as I would stay in. That made me more tensed, although I would use the room alone at the first night. However, I never knew any more clearly what an exhibition would be since I had been much experienced.

Brian drove us to Taipei, while Allen had already arrived the day before. I was the guide because I was the only one familiar with the Taipei city. The commercial hotel stood near Taipei World Trade Center. It only took ten minutes walk. I wished I could have had the chance to meet some of my friends there. There was too much to do, though. Before Mr. Chang came, I wanted to enjoy being alone in the room. Bored with watching TV for a while, I called Jerry. He picked up the phone right when it rang.

"Oh, you surprised me by picking up the phone so quickly."
"Did I? How are you honey?
"I am just in the hotel room. It is pretty but you are not here with me."
"What are you doing baby?"
"Just finished watching TV. I am thinking about you now."
"When will the show start?"
"Tomorrow."
"Then you will be busy my poor baby. But I still want to hear you moan now."
"What? Then come here right now!"
"I still can make you moan here." Yes, that was true. I could not resist my man at all.
"But it's beautiful here. We should enjoy the hotel room together."
"And make you pregnant?" here he was!
"But if possible, I would be happy to have a baby." I started to imagine, "I have ever thought about having a child to grow him up, educate him, and watch him get strong."
"Will you seriously want my baby?"
"Definitely. And I will shout out 'I hate you, Jerry' when I am bearing it."
"I will stand beside you and say 'Push, push...more, Rodin. It's close. Push!' and see the baby coming out."
"I hate you....haha..."
"I won't understand because that's Chinese."
"I hate you. Now I am translating it to you. I hate you!"
"No, you love me."

E=MC²

2008-04-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

Mariah Carey's latest album E=MC² has just been released since April 15th, 2008. I knew MC by the song "Without you". Music Box then became my first purchase of her albums. Lately, her albums make big volumes in my CD collection, since I rarely buy albums.

At first, I loved Hero so much because I left my home for study and it felt so alone. Since then, I have become a person residing far from home. And Hero was the best bedtime music for me. I even wrote down every line of the lyric to ask my English teacher, just so as to understand the song furthermore. That is the theme of my high school life. After college, Eric lived in the same room of the dorm as I did. He really made me know MC. I mean, before that I just liked to hear and learn her songs, while I never knew anything about her. Then I started to buy the earlier albums, and got interested in other things about her than singing. So many, such as One Sweet Day, Honey, Whenever You Call, Can't Take That Away, Thank God I Found You, just color my life in every single part. Listening to her singing would make me high, especially when she sings in her incredible high frequency. That is awesome. That is amazing.

However, I am not talking about how she breaks the record or how many #1 singles she has. This information is so easy to get online. Instead, I tend to describe what MC means to me. She is not only my idol, but my friend who has got me through so much by her songs. In addition, she has the most beautiful voice, which she always controls so well. In late 1990's and early 2000's she was unfortunately going down. With her high pressure from work and her sorrow and frustration from relationships, she got sick. Still, I purchased her album Glitter. I support her as a friend, even though I knew she was not fine then. She seemed less powerful than she had ever been in 1990's. And she got bigger. Sometimes I wondered if that was it for her. When I heard "Through the Rain", she told me what she wanted to say. Meanwhile, I just encountered the difficulty in my life as well. Through the Rain gave me the strength, after all. Besides Hero and Can't Take That Away, I believe Through the Rain still touches numerous people's hearts around the world. She is not just singing. She communicates.

I bought E=MC² on April 16th. I also shared a lot with Eric. This time she loses much weight, much slimmer than in 2000's. On the other hand, some people would have negative opinions toward her. She may show off too much, or she looks slutty. Well, to me she really looks more beautiful and confident. She becomes happier and sings more steadily. I strongly feel happy for her change. Everyone would feel the same when they see their friends get through the shadow, wouldn't they? Yes, she might have lip-synching performance sometimes. But she has been singing for decades. The truth is she gets old like everyone. Normally for the conditions of the environment, she would sing lip-synchingly. That does not mean she can't sing. Well it depends on audience. No one can satisfy everybody. She just needs to be responsible.

Here I would like to share Bye Bye, the thirteenth song of E=MC². This song made me cry when I first listened to it. It is obviously for her dead father. While she sings: "This is for my people who just lost somebody", she connects herself with all her fans. Everyone has different story, but one thing for sure is MC's Bye Bye has the touching appeal that arouses people's tears. This is another "Hero". I do think of someone I lost. In the mean time, I do feel better when I am listening to it. Thank you MC.

The live verson on GMA

Official music video. The guy is her boyfriend. I am happy to see them together.

(14)

2008-04-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

The taxi driver was willing to pick me up on the way out of the airport, and drop me off at a cafe or restaurant. It seemed nice that I could sit there thinking what was next. On the corner at the intersection, I was dropped there at Starbucks. He was very kind to tell me not to trust anyone, and gave me a piece of paper on which he wrote down his name and contact number.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

The sun was just setting as I saw the sea again. At this time it was not the Pacific Ocean, but Taiwan Strait. The sea was painted orange and yellow. It just looked like being on fire. A fishing boat was moving up and down with the flow. I happened to capture the incredible scenery which I could not help. It was an amazing painting. The waves of the sea were shining and glittered under the sun. I was so moved. When I arrived in Pingtung city, it was just right time for dinner. I ate my familiar taste of the dinner of southern Taiwan. I also range Muse to tell her I would be home in forty minutes. That was exciting. And I could not wait to contact Jerry and tell him I was back.

"How are you?"
"Great! Just had dinner."
"I miss you so much," I always meant much more than this.
"How was your trip?"
"It was good. I just sent you the pictures. Guess you will receive them in one week."
"Ok...What about your job? When will you start working?"
"I am just at work. Remember our time difference?"
"Right. It might not be cool that you chat with me at work."
"No. But I still have to launch MSN and even Skype in order to contact our factory in China."
"Ok. Then don't get any trouble."

I was new in the office, and started absorbing the messy files of potential customers. Much time was taken to manage the documents. At last I needed to e-mail hundreds of potentials every day. For the regular clients, I had to learn our products while I was contacting them back and forth. They paid me well. That was time for me to keep up with my loan, which included my insurance fee. I was thinking to save up for the trip to the US after I settled down everything. Jerry's words knock me on my head. Somehow I felt I was refused. But he was right I should pay more attention to my work. My supervisor was a Taiwanese-Canadian, with a beard on his chin. He assigned me some clients from him. I almost spent one month sorting out all the potentials and maintaining the clients on hand. Our factory was in China, the world's factory, with the cheap cost but extremely slow and ineffective production. I talked to the contacting window again and again to make sure everything would be on schedule, otherwise I could not ship the goods on time.

"Try this: Please kindly enough to..." my supervisor, Allen, started again to suggest me how to write to clients, "And try this: your confirmation will appreciate."
What?...your confirmation would appreciate what? Allen was correcting my sentences "Please be kind enough to..." and "Your confirmation will be appreciated." Well, I did not tend to discuss this; instead, I would prefer to save more time so that I could contact more clients and get things done.

I usually stayed in the office until 7:00 pm and then went to Global Village for class. Every day I could meet Jerry twice, in the morning and before I left the office. Sometimes I would call him to wake him up in case he overslept in his morning, which was my evening. On the way to Global Village, I would buy some bread as my dinner and call Jerry if I had not called him in the office. My day ended after my class. Everyday was a routine, and it cycled once a week. Yet I felt so satisfied content since I knew I was heading to my goal.

"Good morning."
"Good morning, Rodin," Jerry could recognize my voice at once, or he would have already known it was my calling before he picked up the phone, "Are you outside?"
"Yes I am. I am heading to Global Village."
"I can hear the cars on the street."
"Have you waken up yet."
"Mm~~not yet. I hate to work. I want to go back to sleep."
"No, you have to get up and go to work!" I could feel his naughtiness.
"Why?"
"Well, you have to live. You want to eat McDonald's salad. And you are coming to see me. Also, you want to feed me well."
"Oh, Rodin. I love you. Mmwah~"
Jerry laughed. I could feel the sunshine on his side there. His smile shined on my heart.

Little Switzerland

2008-04-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

Every year, we need to yearn for our ancestors on April 5th, the Tomb Sweeping Day. Family members would go home for the reason. Nowadays, even though not every family needs to worship the ancestors in the graveyard but at ashes niches, people would still go home for parents always want to see their children no matter how far they are. Asian society is still home-centered. I have no exception, either. Taking the train for more than four hours, I got back to the place where I grew up.
A TV commercial was shot at the top of Mt. 60 Dans (one "dan" is about 67.95 kg, the ancient Chinese unit of measurement), which made my hometown, Fuli, one of famous sites in Taiwan. Mt. 60 Dans features the growth of orange daylilies. 60 dans means the abundant harvest. Through the three days when I was back, all the time was fully-scheduled. Of course I went to Mt. 60 Dans not only to capture the beautiful view, but also to experiment with my new camera. However, it was just not the season for orange daylilies. Otherwise, the top of the mountain would have been covered with orange daylilies, which could paint the mountain yellow and orange as an amazing paradise.
Earlier than 5 am, I rode the motorbike toward the mountain. The sun had not risen yet, while the sky was slightly bright already. On the way to the top, the sun was about to rise. I was totally attracted by the view. For years living in the countryside, I first felt the mountains so beautiful. Perhaps I had been used to it. The colors of the clouds varied fast. I was not sure if I had captured each of them. The mountains pulsed upwards, just like the waves, to the morning clouds. "Mountains glory not for the height but the god dwelling there; water surges not for the depth but the dragon lying in." Then I believed the god dwelling here was so almighty as to make the magical scene. In a while, the sun was rising. He shined downward with the warmth and made the whole world bright. The fog faded away slightly as the angel came down through the light. I took the photo standing at a certain guesthouse. As more visitors are coming, more guesthouses appear as well.
Keeping on going up, I saw the sky brighter and brighter. And I got higher and higher. All the houses looked like small boxes down there. My village became a tiny model yet still distinguishable. After taking the picture of a pavilion when I passed another guesthouse, finally I reached to the Little Switzerland, the very top of Mt. 60 Dans. The nickname "Little Switzerland" comes from the arrangement of the few guesthouses, small mountain roads, and the view of the hilltop. The great combination does look like a Swiss peak. However, that was the greenest plat I had ever seen. All the grass, no, all I could see was just different hue of green. The sky turned so blue as the sun took away the fog. The April breeze on the hilltop blew so tenderly. I could smell the scent of spring while I was stepping on the grass of dew.
Orange daylilies have a name called "Shadow-forgetting herbs" in Chinese. According to the herbal books, they are had to get away the thirst and tiredness. They also make people forget all the shadow on the mind since they cool down people's hearts. I did not eat any orange daylilies at all. But I did forget the shadow thanks to the works of nature. I wondered if I could find any term better than "fresh" to describe the air there. However, fresh was for sure not enough.
The sun rose higher then. I saw the peaks and the valley so clearly. It seemed that I had stand in heaven looking down the world under me. The little Switzerland just lay in my near front. I probably had stood on the land of Switzerland for real. My village was among the mountains. It smiled at the surroundings so peacefully. The river bended in the valley. Through the valley, a train ran on the track, which looked like the dark coppery line or the blood vessel of this place. The clouds decorated the blue sky perfectly. I wished I could have been able to stay until the sunset to shoot the terribly great view of nightfall there. But I had to go to Chishang, a village next to Fuli, for the performance of U theater. They were walking around Taiwan island on foot as the practice, training, and experience. And they would performed on the way when they could. Fortunately, they stopped by the area when I was there. Hopefully I could get back here again in the right time for the orange daylilies to be blooming, as well as I could have the chance to capture the nightfall.
The little Switzerland is only a part of my hometown. There are still more to explore. Let's go down the hill. Keep the good memories, but leave the love and care there.

The Powerful Voice

2008-03-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

One day I heard the song "A moment like this" on the radio. That song has my heart. However, I thought it was Kelly Clarkson's singing. Guessed it had been recorded again. And then the shocking voice told me indirectly that was not Kelly. They sounded different.

Leona Lewis, the unfamiliar name and face caught my eye. That made me started to search for more her singing. Yet her voice reminded me Mariah Carey. Yes, I am a number 1 fan of MC's. Since I was in junior high, I have kept collecting MC's albums, not just because of doing what a fan should do, but because she really sings damn well. Through the years, every song reflects every piece of my memories in different time. Just as to other music lovers, that is really why the songs are meaningful.

Lately, it seems that MC has got over her top already. I would still purchase her albums no matter how the evaluation is. It is just like to support a friend who has walked together with you for a long time. And MC's powerful voice, as well as her high frequency magic singing, will not be forgettable. Obviously Leona gets great influences from MC since she sings in a similar way. Coincidentally, they are the youngest in their families. They both have the same progress of turning to be a star from the job of food catering. And they are both mix-raced. Moreover, they are girls. LOL!

When it comes to MC, many people would think of Whitney Houston, another monster singer. She is perfect, too. However I personally think her voice is thicker, while Celine Dion's voice is somehow too sharp. She might work harder on her throat than on her lower part of abdomen. When I first heard Leona sing, I also thought, besides MC, about WH and Christina Aguilera. That also means Leona has various tone colors. Her voice combines all. No one could judge whether it's good or not. But undoubtedly, Leona really sings into my heart.

The original singer of "A Moment like This" Kelly Clarkson is terribly great already. Leona, to everyone's surprise, should have the different interpretation. Both are amazing. When she just won X-factor, I knew nothing about her. More than one year later, I understand now why she is so fantastic, even though it is not on time. Here I recommend Bleeding Love. That is really...bleeding.

(13)

2008-03-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

The officer was asking me how I knew Jerry, but I could not explain. She looked at my map with her mouth opened widely. "It would take you one day to walk there. And there are several high ways there. It's impossible to walk." Another cab stopped by. It was a big guy, with some tattoos on his arms. The officer called Jerry's home and left a message. Guess it would work.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

On the first day Brokeback Mountain played, I went to the cinema alone at night. That was a sad movie, but I did not cry in the theater. When I rode my motorbike home, the after effect broke me down and I had to pull over to release myself for a while. As Jack could not quit Ennis, so I could not quit Jerry either. It was so similar that Jerry seemed to have many obstacles like Ennis, while I wanted so much to fulfill the dreams like Jack. "If you can't change the thing, you have to stand it." Ennis said that with words. Jerry acted it silently. That night was also the previous night before I left. I called Jerry but no one answered. Later he called. "Honey I went to see Brokeback Mountain. We should have seen it together." "I know." "I am leaving tomorrow. Can we talk more?" "I think maybe I will wait till you come back, ok?" "...Ok..." "...Well, you will have much to tell your family, the concert, your new job...." he tried to make me feel better. "I see, Jerry. I will sleep." Don't ask, please. I did not know why, either.

My camera was checked. Tripod, checked. Batteries, recharged already. They were the major things since I was going to have a trip on my motorbike. I liked riding a motorbike. It felt like riding in the wind, and I could imagine I had a pair of wings, so free and unlimited. Going around the south of Taiwan, I got on the zigzag, which was the path to Taitung. It was raining slightly in the mountains. I wished I could have take some pictures on the way but the rain remained and it was getting dark. When I arrived in Taitung, the moon hung up in the sky smiling over me. It had been a big city when I was a kid. But now it was just a big town too me, while there were filled with my childhood memories. I had dinner there in Taitung, seeing around in the city. Yet I still had a way to go.

The rain stopped. I started to go on. When I arrived home, my family was in the living room watching TV. Chinese New Year is always like this. It is a little bit like Thanksgiving: family members got together and enjoy reunion dinner. Actually I felt I had gradually been used to the life in a big city. Although I liked countryside, I would not know what to do there, especially that people in the countryside would go to bed very early. I spent most of time taking pictures in my hometown. For some nights my father and I would have a chat.

That year my father talked about something serious to me. He thought I was old enough to think about my future. I understood that he expected me to have my own family, typical Chinese parents' hope. However, my family knew my sexual orientation when I was in high school. I could not have a family with a woman. I could not love her.

"So you mean you won't get married?"
"Unless with a guy I love." I guessed this shocked my father.
"OK. I just feel sad that you won't feel the happiness with having your own family, watching your child grow."
"I understand I am in the Chinese culture. And I understand what your expectation is, and what the society expects. But I can't."
"I see. Then go your way. No matter what it will be, I wish you happiness."
"I will. And I am thinking to tell you about Jerry."

I told my father a little about Jerry. My father's face looked calm, which made me unable to tell how he thought about it. His breathing was still steady. Maybe he had a little sadness but I could not feel any. But I felt good talking about it. Everything was just the same at my home. For certain reason I sometimes dared not face them, dared not think about them, and dared not to talk to them. Some part of me must have been broken. During the holidays, I spent most of time taking pictures, at the library, my mother school, on the street. I also shot the skyline of the small village. Some old pictures were found in the drawer. Therefore, I shot them with my camera to make them digital files. They were all stories, my elementary memories, and my junior high memories. They were my past, and I would like to share them with Jerry.

Four days later, I took a leave to go back to Kaohsiung. Along the same road, I rode my motorbike as if I had been riding a horse. The weather was much better than it had been on the day I came, which allowed me to see the Pacific Ocean clearly when passing through Taitung. The waves kissed the coast line. Somehow I almost saw the land across the oceans from here. Oh yes, that was America. But the point was Jerry lived there. I had been dreaming to cross the ocean to the other side. So many night this dream came to me and kept reminding me. I could only pray and pray he would still be mine when I someday got there. Soon I entered the mountains again. After I finished the zigzag road out of the mountains, I stared back and it looked like Brokeback Mountain to me. They actually did not look similar but the sight made me think of the movie. I photographed the mountains and the road toward them. That was the record of the way I went. I could also mail Jerry these photos and make him feel like having gone the way with me.

(12)

2008-03-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

Several cars passed by. Then a police car stopped.
"This is not a good idea!" she was female.
"No, it's not."
"Where are you going?"
"I am here to visit my friend. But I can't contact him since he is not home."

**********************************************************************************************************************************

Before mid-January, 2006, I had to finish all the design of the invitation card and the program sheet for the concert of Piano Studio, where my flatmate worked, where kids went to learn music, and where I knew my friends first in Kaohsiung. They held a concert once two years. I was going to play also. I knew Jerry would not be here, while I wanted so much to share it with him.

The case in China Steel was over in the Mid-January. I took many pictures with the French engineer, German engineer, and French workers. I remembered on Christmas they wanted a day off but it was not a Christian society in Taiwan. Taiwanese laborers still worked, while all the Caucasians went celebrate. I had that day off too because I did not need to interpret for nobody. Jerry made a joke to me: "Ask the German engineer out! He is so lonely." I did not understand. Did my boyfriend ask me to date someone? That was too unacceptable. It sounded like, "Hey, you can date him, and it's not my business." Well, I might think too much as I was not in an open-minded culture. "He wants you!" I could not go one. It sounded like, "Go to him. I don't care!" Was it the cultural difference? But what did it mean in the western way?

On the other hand, I found a new job and would start after Chinese New Year. That meant I could have income continuously to support my paying the debts. My classes at Global Village remained. Then I could save up for the trip. "Fall would be the suitable time." I kept this in my mind and set it as the goal. One more thing, Brokeback Mountain was going to play in the theater on the 20th, Taiwan time. I was willing to pay anything just for going to the movies with Jerry, even if only for the two hours. I informed Jerry of the movie all the time, especially that Ang Lee was my favorite director. Anyway, I had a lot to do in the month.

As the concert was coming, everyone was getting busy. I wore a suit to the performance. Besides, I had an extra job as the photographer. From the morning to the afternoon, all the performers did a great job and the audience were pleased, while we were drained. The concert ended. Where was my Jerry? I looked so great on the stage. And I played so well. I really needed to share everything with him. I wished so much that he had just sat in the audience. Would that always be a dream? I longed for him. And, China Steel ended.

"hi mr." He used to type mr denoting "my Rodin". I quite liked it.
"Jerry, the concert is over. Finally!"
"Good. Did my baby do a good job?"
"Sure. and I am so tired. Too bad you were not there."
"If i were there you would get more tired. I would carry you to bed after the concert."
"ok do it."
"I will. And it's good because you are tired and you can't resist me."
Normally Jerry would lead the conversation to the erotic part. I could not take it from anyone not intimate with me. Somehow I had taken everything from Jerry. We even did everything we could. Shame I could not see him. Why not get a cam? Damn I desired him as well. Meanwhile, we'd known each other for ten months. Too amazing! It lasted for that long even in the distance.
"I am going home next week for Chinese New Year."
"How long will you be there?"
"Four or five days I think. And there is no internet there. I can't call you either. I will miss you."
"I see."
"By the way, will you go to see Brokebacke Mountain?"
"I don't know."
"I want to watch it with you. I always think to go to the theater with you. Go shopping with you. Go picnicking with you. Go camping with you. We can also have a barbecue party and all your friends will come."
"You will."

Jerry was not out. But his sister saw David and talked to him on the phone once. David also met some of Jerry's friends, too. The life together with him was definitely my dream, which I had every night and day. I once lost Jerry. Later I knew his computer was broken. We talked on the phone and then he added me into his MSN again. All the information was lost, the pictures he sent me, his friend list, and his old e-mail address I used to send. I felt a little sad because he told me the e-mail address was just for family. Even David did not have it. That was very meaningful to me. And he also moved into town. But both his phone number and mailbox number were still the same. I could not forget when I travelled on the online map following his guide. But it was not so important. We got connected, after all.

"Well honey. I am going to leave."
"Where are you going?"
"I am going to Flat River and eat ice cream." He loved vanilla flavor most.
"Eat one for me."
"I will honey. Will you come here tomorrow?"
"Maybe."
"I'll look for you."

(11)

2008-03-24T15:23:00.000-07:00

Till 5, I could not but try to find the way. The taxi driver told me it would cost me 90 bucks to get to the town, and he accepted credit cards. However, I said thanks and decided to go on foot. My guide was just the simple map downloaded from the internet. Not even knowing how far it was, I dragged my luggage, walking on the way out of the airport.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

"Are you running away? No, no, no...I have an uncle who is a policeman. He will find you out for me..."
Jerry always sounded happy go lucky. There seemed to be nothing worrying him.
"You don't have to bring anything here. Just your luggage, and one way ticket, cause I'll never let you go, unless you are homesick."
I could not believe it. Sometimes I did not know if Jerry was serious, while he could possibly say "I am serious" with a kidding tone. That was his way. I liked it as a matter of fact. But I hoped I could express myself when I needed, not in a kidding tone of course. It was over the ocean. I had my worries and insecurity.

Jerry's birthday was one week after mine. I made a handmade card to him. As he asked me, I enclose my underwear along with the parcel. That was a pair of red briefs. I could not resist his requests. Then I purchased an English magazine, from which I cut the terms I needed and stuck them in another handmade card, looking like a a blackmailing letter. The idea was very interesting, but the content was nothing about threatening. It was for Christmas. Some pictures in the magazine were also used. I wished this relationship would be my lifetime affair, with my whole heart. Actually I had never loved so crazily. I felt so empowered and I believe I could do anything for him. This feeling so strong could not happen anytime or anywhere. Everyone might have it only once in life. You miss it, then you could never have it once again.

There is a wonderful romance in Chinese culture, and everyone in Chinese society would know it: The Butterfly lovers. In the ancient China, girls were not allowed to go to school. They had to learn to be a good wife and mother. Zhu, who some said was a daughter of a rich businessman, while some said the daughter of a general, disguised as a boy just in order to go to school. She met Liang on the way. They swore to be brothers and accompany together to school, while Liang did not know Zhu was a girl. They got along well at school. However, Zhu had fallen in love with Liang. Three years later, Zhu receive a letter from her parents, in which Zhu was told to go home for an important thing. Zhu felt sad to leave Liang so she went to her teacher's wife on the eve of the leaving day. Her teacher's wife actually knew Zhu was a girl and understood she was in love with Liang. The teacher's wife told Zhu she would help her. Before going back to the room, Zhu left her comb to her teacher's wife.

The next day, Liang felt as reluctant as Zhu, and was willing to walk her home for 18 miles. On the way, Zhu tried to give Liang some clues. "Look at the pair of fish, they look like us." "The pair of mandarin ducks are swimming happily together. We seem them." But Liang did not understand. Right at the time they were parting, Zhu told Liang to go to her house after being prepared 'cause Zhu had a sister and she hoped Liang could marry her. Liang went back to school happily. But he finally know Zhu had no sister but herself after the teacher's wife gave him Zhu's comb.

Liang went to Zhu's home but it was too late. By Zhu's parents, she had been arranged to marry Ma, who was in a royal family. That was also the reason Zhu was told to come home. Their hearts were totally broken by the result. They cried painfully on the balcony. After Liang went back home, he got seriously lovesick and then died. Zhu of course could not accept that. On the wedding day she required to go by to Liang's tomb, or she would not marry Ma. Her parents agreed.

On arriving Liang's tomb, there came a heavy storm. Suddenly the thunder flash crashed down on the tomb, which made a big leak on it. Zhu jumped into the tomb without any doubt. Soon the tomb turned back to the way it had been. The next morning, the sun shined again. And flowers and grass were smiling through the comfortable breeze. From Liang's tomb, two butterflies flied out and they looked so happily, dancing in the flowers. People believed they were just Liang and Zhu. They had found their way to get together and would never ever apart forever.

Some thought it was the first gay story in China because it was impossible for a girl to disguised as a boy for three years but no one found it out. Despite that it was true or not, I love this story a lot.

I made a drawing about Liang and Zhu, and also wrote down the story for Jerry. Every time I got to the part when Zhu jumped into Liang's tomb, I would not be able to hold myself but cry. That was not my first time to draw. I once drew my portrait, and the things on my table when I was in a cafe. I hoped Jerry would understand what I was trying to say. And I believed he would.

(10)

2008-03-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

As every passenger left the airport, I got alone there so helplessly. Life seems long waiting. I tried not to think too much. Maybe Jerry was busy then. Maybe he was still at work...on Sunday. Maybe he got stuck in the traffic. I sat on the step at the front door, watching my luggage and smoking. It was 4 pm but the sky looked like 2.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

That sounded awful. I fell for a guy who lived in other country but I could not do anything about it. The aim was simply either one would go to the other and see what was going on there. Any promises might not be necessary. It was similar if you met a guy around the corner, you would still like to ask him out, having a coffee, a nice meal, and getting to know each other more. But when it related to nationality, everything was limited. Then it sounds like, hey, you look different from me; you are not our citizen, go home. Or hey, you don't have money; you are poor, so you don't have any right to fall in love. Can money buy love? I understand some people would use all means to get what they want. However, not everything is based on benefits.

I could not stop thinking Jerry's words. Why not come and just stop the longing we both have? Just come and check me out! You will see how much I love you. I promise you, I will never allow you to sleep at night...Fine, it was all past. I could not go just because of the snow and the cold weather? I was totally surprised that someone who had promised me so much would step backwards since the effect of snow and cold weather was much more powerful than that of mine. I wonder if you meet a guy around the corner, would you tell him: "Hi, you look so nice and I like you a lot. But let's meet four weeks later?" Just meeting. Why not do it when you are able, even it's so much distant?

There was no use no matter how much I thought. I practiced the piano a lot, but I just could not make any happy tone on the keys. Chopin's Etudes Op.10 No.3 seemed the one I did most. I did not learn the piano from a kid, so that was a very challenging piece to me. But the more I played it, the more sorrowful I felt, since it was talking about leave taking. I could not go on. Then a relaxing information appeared in my eyes when I was searching for the story of my idol, Chopin. It was Chopin's nocturnes, which let Chopin's friend made up with his wife after an argument. I did not know which piece but Op.9 No.2 would be one of the most famous. I downloaded a MIDI file to enclose in the e-mail I wrote to Jerry. Hopefully the magic power of Chopin's nocturne would make everything fine.

Jerry replied me. He had been worried about me. The song was beautiful and he asked if that was my play. Suddenly I could breathe again. The first thing I wanted to do was call him. His voice was the most effective medicine.
"Hello honey."
"How are you?"
"Very nice. I am cooking right now." Right, I almost forgot the time difference. It was about noon there.
"I got your mail."
"Yeah, the music is so beautiful. Is that your play?"
"No it's not. I downloaded it online."
"Hope I can hear you play one day."
"I am sorry but I hope I did not pressure you. However, I really want to meet you."
"Oh...that feeling..."
"What feeling?"
"The tender feeling. You are always tender. Mmwahh."
"I feel guilty that I booked the ticket before discussing."
"NO..no....."
"But I.."
"Shhh.....shh....." whenever I want to say something deep inside my heart, he would stop me. I had to hide my feelings.
"I really don't like winter. It's too cold. The better time will be fall. And the forest would be beautiful."
That would be another eight months. I dared not to think about it.

I went to Lisa's wedding in Dec. Actually that day was my birthday, too. But I was sure Jerry forgot it. The wedding was nice. I had not went to Taipei for long since I moved to Kaohsiung. Lisa talked to me some time on the wedding. She told me that one of her colleague's friends met an American online. Three years later she went there visit him, and they got married. Well, it sounded unreal for some people who believed international love was all on benefits. But that news did encouraged me a lot. We had a very nice meal at the banquet, taking some pictures. I was going to meet some friends but I could not make it because I would miss my flight if I did. Honestly, I really hoped to meet them soon. I missed them a lot.

Right at the time when I arrived in Kaohsiung, I had to head to Global Village directly, and then China Steel. I could not sleep until the next morning. However, I was truly tired. Finally, my "night" ended. I just wanted to share everything about the wedding banquet with Jerry.
"Honey the wedding was great. The ceremony was in Guam and they played the DVD on the banquet. It was so romantic."
"Did you enjoy it?"
"Yeah. And Lisa also tell me a story. Her colleague's friend met a guy in the US. They got married after three years." I seemed not able to stop expressing. I was too excited.
"We can do that too, honey."

"We can do that too"...that was just too beautiful to believe.

(9)

2008-03-24T15:11:00.000-07:00

There I was. All the people on the plane were getting off. I could not keep sitting on my butt. Their family or friends were meeting them, receipting the luggage, giving hugs and kisses. I dared not to raise my head because I did not know what I would see. Heading directly to take my belongings, I could clearly hear my heartbeat.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

During the two months, I would called Jerry as much as I could when I got home. If no one answered the phone then I left a message. He had no cellphone. Strange I knew. Once Jerry explained that he disliked using a cellphone. "That's stupid. What if we are making love the phone rings?" he said. Perhaps I should have told him that we could turn it off.

Jerry kidded a lot. He was just a guy who moved with the flow. Once he got back home from one of his friend, he told me they enjoyed the strawberries and they were nice. Strawberries were just in winter. But I had not tasted American ones. Jerry could not wait to put them on my body. I had never seen snow before. Guess that would be a nice experience when I got there in January.
"I will put snow in your underwear. I did that to David, too."
"I will be frozen."
"Don't worry, I will warm you up then."
"You'd better."
I thought that decrease much of my insecurity. At least I knew Jerry was sincere and kind to me. He was very patient, too. I believed everything was ok with us.

In November, I happened to received an invitation card of my classmate Lisa's wedding. No, not the Lisa I used to go for hot pot with, but another one with many fans. We were five people together in college, hanging out anytime after school, doing every silly things having fun. Then she was getting married. I had to attend. The wedding would be held in December in Taipei. I could just take the chance to apply for American visa. There was a lot of information online. Some said it was very difficult especially to single people. And the bank statement was necessary to prove one was able to afford the trip. Some said just relax, it was not that difficult. There was no reason that America refused an innocent tourist. Whatever I found, most piratical I had to do it.

When I was filling up the application form, Jerry got online. That was great because I needed some of his information. Actually I had booked the ticket but not paid yet. The schedule was sent to him the day before. Very soon I found Jerry was not serious and made many jokes. Then I stopped him, for I needed to finish the form first. Jerry became quiet. The atmosphere was wired.
"Are you ok?"
"Can I tell the truth?"
"Sure." I stopped to listen.
"I don't like pressure. And you are too serious."
"Yes?"
"Oh god, you are doing it now. Every word you say is pressuring me."
I was shocked. But I tried my best to calm down and solve it decently.
"Chill, Jerry. I am just doing the application. I am sorry to pressure you but I don't mean to. Chill, please. Chill"
"Oh baby, you are using my word. Kisses"
Jerry used to say "Chill" instead of "Calm down". I could almost hear his tone when saying it.
"Well...what about me getting to smoke and try to relax? I will be back in five minutes."
"Ok."
That was the most nervous smoking. I felt the smoke not only got into my lungs, but also into my stomach. The plan should have been supposed to be exciting. No one could tell me why it turned out in the opposite way. When I got back to the computer, Jerry had been gone. Then I called him several times, but he did not answer.
"Ok, Jerry. Just let me know if you agree to my trip, please." I pretended I was calm when leaving the message.

Later the day, I got an e-mail. Jerry wished that I could have discussed it before booking the ticket. We talked about it a lot. But actually he disliked winter. The weather was freezing cold there and everything was just inside. He apologized that he was kidding so much that he would put the snow in my underwear. And if possible, he suggested me to cancel the ticket without losing any money, but up to me.

Well, that was too unacceptable. The point was not winter even though it was cold, nor everything inside. But for nine months I had been longing to meet him, and I guess so had he. If I did not go yet my heartache would truly kill me, softly or harshly.

I cancelled the ticket at last. I hoped when I cancelled it, I cancelled my pain at the same time. But it was not. We should support each other. When you wanted to do something and your partner did not support, you might feel sad. But when you desired to meet your partner and your partner stopped you, that would be like a disaster. Didn't he want to meet me? Or he hid something from me? I was dying.

(8)

2008-03-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

Then I went to sit on the chair near my gate, reading the book I brought. As time went by, more and more people got to sit down around me. I knew it was closer. The book did distract my nerves, because this would be the last flight which took me to where I wanted to go. The flying time would be 40 minutes only. Would somebody be waiting there?

**********************************************************************************************************************************

I calculated my financial situation and email Jerry. I thought it was clear why he asked me that. But it was impossible for me to depend on him, for it was my responsibility. I would owe him too much if he help me with that. I just wanted to be independent. Would it be a good chance that I could get together with Jerry? I might be able to go there first, finding a job, and pay my loan there through Jerry's aunt' help. Yet I could not work there legally in the US before I had the right of permanent residence. That was another issue; however, I was sure I would not let Jerry pay for me. But for then, I dared not to think. I was afraid I could not breathe when lying in bed sleeping.

On the other hand, why didn't Jerry come to me? I did not ask him in fact. Maybe I did not want to increase my expectation, which I had had too much. On the other hand, my working hours were at night. That was wired. My time was totally different from my friends', but the same as Jerry's, exactly the same. Everyday I got home in the morning, and then practiced some piano. I could spend long time practicing and got rid of my mad mood.

By one chance when we talked on the phone, I tried to ask Jerry to visit me first.
"Honey have you ever thought about coming to Taiwan?"
"Yes, I have."
"You can come to be my teaching assistant in my class. My students could practice speaking English to you."
"That sounds like a good idea."
"Yeah, and I can show you around Taiwan as possible. Then we don't have to wait too long. At lease before I go to the US, we still can meet in the meantime."
"You really hope me to go to Taiwan?"
"Yes."
"Ok, I will. Just let me know the information about the airport. Email me."
That answer did make me smile all day.

That sounded so encouraging to me. And that seemed a bright light after the long waiting. Thinking about it, I could not stop heart from beating so fast. I collected the information of the airport, the tour and the introduction to Taiwan. However, we never talk about it after then. I assumed he might not be able to plan yet. To ask could means to rush. I could not force him, while I could not deny I really hoped for it as well.

Things seemed smooth, I could only persuade myself so. My work entered another section. The inner wall of the furnace was destroyed and ready to rebuild. The working site changed to the gas pipes, which were big enough for people to come in. The laborers had to lay the bricks inside. The engineer working with me was from German, very strict and very picky. There were three shifts per day. That meant three engineers took turns to look after the laborers. I heard that the other two engineers working day and evening shifts would go to the site once for a while. They agree the time with other interpreters to go there together. But my engineer would stay there all night long, so that I could not leave the site even one step far. That was awful.

Later on, I found Jerry changed his picture on msn. The panda was gone. There were several different but all him. That made me suspicious but I chose to trust him after he told me he had found the best one and stopped looking tho. However, the one where he got naked on the top had me feeling unsecured. I tried to ask Jerry while he got mad.
"So many friends say hi but only one is my boyfriend. How can I deal with it? I am tired of explaining it."
"I am sorry. I am not stopping you from talking to them. But it makes me worried that you put the picture where you get naked on the top. It looks like you are making new friends."
"Stop it!"
"..."
"You worry too much."

Yes I worried too much. I could not see him, I could not touch him, and I could not reach him whenever I wanted. That September wind blew so coldly. It sounded like it was laughing at me.

(7)

2008-03-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

It was a restaurant where everyone watched the football game on TV. Every different team had a section for fans to sit in. I did not understand the menu so well. But actually I resisted spending money here. My next flight would be three hours later. The tax-free shops allowed me to kill some time. For less than one and a half hours, I had finished all the window shopping.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

I got the first job to teach in Global Village, which was the largest chained language center in Taiwan. It was paid by hours. At beginning I only took place of those teacher who asked for leave. And I also got some private classes to increase my income. One month later, a friend recommended me to be a temp interpreter for China Steel. They needed to rebuild the furnace. Engineers from foreign countries were invited to assist. My job was to interpret for our labors. The job content was not too difficult, but the working site was dangerous. I took many pictures there, just wanting to let Jerry know where I worked.

We talked on the phone once a week, normally on weekends. Sometimes I would get the surprise phone call which really made me a day. Somehow, I had got more and more frustrated since my body ached to be touch, my lips ached to be kissed, and I wanted so much to cuddle Jerry and caressed him. You might not be able to imagine that I had stood not to see him since he had no cam. Why not get one? But the truth was that I could not control him. I did expect for the future. As I saw myself as a global citizen, I could really break through all my obstacles and barries to go to my man, no matter where he would be. Jerry and I built a beautiful picture when we chatted online. I would give him a kiss before he left for work. Everyday he got off the work, tasty dishes and rice would be ready for him, since he loved rice and Chinese food so much. We would sit together in sofa watching TV, grabbing a blanket. I popped the popcorn with so much butter. Then the TV was ignored. Jerry fell in love with kissing me.

"I want that to happen."
"Me, too."
That day Jerry talked passionately. I understood that we both felt loved and special as well as frustrated. Jerry said he was exhausted, which worried me a lot. For I still had the loan, I should finish that responsibilities. Without them, I could have just gone to him. The grief and pain was eating me. Could I hate this situation and curse everything?

"Living with you seems very good."
"Yeah, I will be a good partner."
"I gave David my commitment. But he wanted to go back to city. I had to move on. Living with him was good. Now I think you are better. And I want to give you my commitment."
"That sounds serious."
"Will you marry me, Rodin?" God, was there anything wrong with the language system of my brain? But it sounded too crazy.
"Will you propose to a guy you have just known for about half a year?"
"Yes."
"We have not met."
"I will carry you into my house when you are here, my bride."
"Where is the ring? This is not a cool proposal."
"Yeah I know. A good meal, candlelight, flowers, and getting down on my knees."
"Haha..." I was actually giggling at the computer.
"Rodin if you are here I will never hide you. I want to let everyone know you are my husband...cause I am ready."
"Ready for what?"
"Ready for you to come."
"Wow..."
"Rodin I can't not wait to see you. I want to kiss you. I want to hold you in my arms while we are sleeping."
"I feel it. I want to shower with you."
"How much more is your loan?" this was the first time Jerry ask me about it.
"That is still much. But I have to calculate it into the US dollars."
"I have an aunt who works in a bank. We can ask her for assistance. You come to the US first."
This was too much. But I did not know how to respond this. My heart turned so hard. But I did not know if it was the good way.
"I don't know. We can talk about it later."
"Ok...Just email me and let me know."
I could vividly feel Jerry's frustration and sorrow, which I did have on my side.

Ten minutes after we got off, Jerry rang me. His voice calmed me. He was lying in bed getting ready to sleep.
"Hurry. Just hurry, Rodin."
The begging made my rolling tears. I felt so guilty that I broke my lover's heart.
"Jerry, I will go visit you in Jan. My job as a temp interpreter will be done at the end of December. I get paid well from it."
"I will wait." It sounded like the sunshine after the rain.
"Just two more months." I determined undoubtedly.
"Ok..."

(6)

2008-03-24T14:18:00.001-07:00

My handcarries contained a double case of moon cakes, a box of chocolate, and my backpack. Other luggage had been transferred to the next flight. Hopefully the beef jerkey would not be found. Then I walked for ten minutes to find a place to smoke. The nearer my destination was, the more nervous and anxious I felt.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

The egg had been mailed already. I could image how excited Jerry would be when receiving it. That was my first parcel to him. The word on the soy bean was "Love" since we Asians hardly said that word even if we felt it. I loved the idea. You could see the seedling grow and it represented the love seedling. Taken good care of, the love could grow strong and glitter.

Muse and I had known each other since we were in high school. She got worried when she knew I was suffering from my metal illness in the hard time. As I happened to know her flatmate was moving out, I decide to change my environment. After settling down, I started to look for a job. At first it was really difficult. The situation seemed not as positive as I thought. The day passed one by one and I got more and more pressure, while the bills kept coming. One day I got online with Muse's computer, which was just repaired. Jerry was there. We had not seen each other for a while. We both must have been too excited.

"Oh, Rodin. Is it you?"
"Yes, Jerry."
"How are you? I miss you so much. Is everything all right?"
"Yes. Everything is fine."
"Really? I can feel your pressure...from the words you type."
"It's really ok. Don't worry."
I tried not to whine, even though I was worried. Jerry got my mail anyway. He was extremely happy with that and took good care of the egg following the right steps I told. I hoped he understood what I was trying to tell him by the egg. In the meantime, I was till looking for a job. Several weeks passed but I had not got any news. The soy bean broke the egg shell already. I asked Jerry if he saw any words on it. He said no. No? Did it mean nothing about our relationship? Or my dark future after I moved here? Maybe not but just a failure product I bought. After all, I had done all I could so that I had to wait.

Muse's computer was too old to perform well. Sometimes it did not work so I had to go to the cyber cafe. Jerry was informed of my new telephone number. Once he urgently wanted to call me after I told him the difficulty to get a job that I could not stand any more. "Bullheaded!" He messaged that to me as I was not listening to his advices. Later he rang me when I got home. We kept silent. I knew he was waiting for me to explain the situation.

"Sorry I did not understand the situation in Taiwan but I do now. Please understand one thing, honey. When I said something bad with the improper tone, it does not mean I don't love you. I was just too worried," Jerry turned to be so tender and considerate. His words went into my heart, just like Cupid's arrow.
"You called me honey?"
"Yes, honey."
I could not believe that we developed so well. Five months in July. I hated so much the distance which parted us. I hated so much the time difference which did not allow us to contact each other more. Neither of us could do anything about it. If it works just as Jerry told me at first that we just needed to support each other and share ideas, I would never regret for what I had said and done.

However, I forgot when I started watch only American news, American programs or movies on TV. Taiwanese news or programs were not interesting to me any more. Anything about the States attracted me. I was sick. And also it was doubted if it was right since I stopped the medicine and the treatment. Reality kept pressuring me, while I could just go on fighting, trying hard to overcome all the challenges or even risks which I have already chosen. There would always be tomorrow full of plenty of time for me to step forwards. Moreover, Jerry's supports and care certainly encouraged me and gave me the strength to stand. He became so important in my life.

"Jerry, I think...I love you." I could no longer pretend nothing and said it for the first time on the phone.
"I can feel it..." that was the most tender voice I had ever heard from Jerry.

(5)

2008-03-24T14:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people would search for something in life, striving for it. When the goal is near, we could not have a full heart, because we have stuck on the process already. It was still like a dream when I walked out of the airplane. Hundreds were standing in the lines waiting for the examination. I was very careful, just avoid not to pass.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

"Hey, I found some pictures of where you live. Can you tell me where is where?"
"Sure. Let me see them. ...Oh yes, this is downtown. I work at the white building on the bottom right. you see it?"
"Yeah. oh my god. I feel so close to you now."
"And this is the coverbrige. It's very old and beautiful there. David took many pictures down there."

David was his first love, a mix race of Filipino and the other half I forgot. He went to the US for study, staying in NY. I felt a little jealous when hearing Jerry say they were so much in love. However, David asked for much money from Jerry. He sounded like a fraud. Jerry even paid the flight ticket for David.

"I found the map of your town."
"Don't blink. It's just a small town."
"I see Hawley Hwy."
"Oh, you still have to go north. Much north.
"Ok. I am going north."
"Do you see the Jacoby road?"
"Just a second...yes I see it. Jacoby road."
"Yes. I live on Jacoby road. Go north again to the town. You can see the flat river. I canoe there sometimes."
"I can't believe it. It seems like I am really there."
"Rodin, we can canoe there together. And we make love on the boat."
This experience was new. It seemed that I had arrived at the place. And that was what I really longed for. It appeared in my dream every night.

In late May, I seemed not able to hold the life in Taipei. My mom did not get along with me well. I stayed with her after I studied in college since she divorced my father as I was an infant. Then I was not good enough for my supervisors at work because they thought I should have learned more quickly and could be independent to deal with everything. After I knew I had to spend years paying back my loan, I almost broke down. Seeing the doctor and taking medicine for about six months, I did not feel any better. I dared not to tell Jerry too much. But I still had to do something. Then I decided to move to Kaohsiung, where my best friend Muse lived. That decision was never more difficult, which meant I needed to let go whatever I got in Taipei, the place I had been familiar for years, my friends, and my job. Then everything would restart. I should be very well supported. Would I make it? Could I make it?

"Jerry, I decide to move."
"What? So quick."
"Yeah. I want to move to Kaohsiung, the southern Taiwan."
"When did you make up your mind?"
"Last week."
"Very quick. Will it be ok? What about your loan?"
"I can find another job there. Everything will be fine."
"Wow. I normally take long to think. But yes when I decide, then I will be very quick too."
"Sure, we have the same star sign."
"Right. But we are different."
"Anyway, I will go next week. I will stay with my best friend Muse."
"Ok. Promise me. Let me know when you get there."
"I will. Can I call you? I need to hear you."
"Yes..."

The following days, I was meeting my friends to say goodbye. Lisa and I went to have hot pot. That was the last time we had hot pot together. She did not say much but we would miss each other. Gloria and Eric enjoyed the pasta with me. I appreciated Gloria a lot since she was always by my side as I broke up with Robert. I often stayed at her place by then. Eric was Gloria's boyfriend. They were a couple everyone envious of. Gloria cried when I told them I was moving. We would not meet as much as we wanted. But most my things had been packed. On the last day, I went to Tamshui for Jessie. Sitting in the cafe, we talked a lot and took some pictures. I would definitely miss the food and some sites in Taipei. I had been there for seven years. These would be gone soon. This city was too fast, while I needed to be slow. I would not see the doctor and take medicine any more. I wanted to stand up on my own. And I believed I could.

The day came. I put all my stuffs on my motorbike. It was raining. My brother saw me leave. Without a map, I headed southward. When I went to Tamshui, I bought a spacial present. It was a soy bean in an egg set on a nest. Keep watering the egg, the soy bean would grow and break through the egg shell. The businessman had put some words on the soy bean, such as "Friendship", "Happy Birthday", "I love you" etc. When the seedling could be seen, the words on it would still been seen as well. That was really a good idea. The egg was put in my backpack. I could not wait to get to Kaohsiung. A whole new city to me, a whole new life. And I wanted to mail the egg to Jerry. I wanted to tell Jerry my new life, my new start. It was filled with hopes.

I forgot how long it took. It must have been long because I took pictures or visited some famous place as I could. It was early morning when I got to Kaohsiung. Taking a shower, I finished my trip finally. Tomorrow was looked forward. Before sleeping, I tried to call Jerry. No one answered the phone. I still left a message. Some day we would contact again.

(4)

2008-03-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

Then I saw the map again. The sun was shining outside. This map was a whole new map, which I was not familiar with at all. The Great Lakes were just under me. So amazingly big. I could not tell whether I got the mood of excitement or anxiety. Looking at the screen at the front, I understood I had flied to the other side of the earth.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

Not many people under the age of 25 would say, "I am not playing around. I just need a special one for the rest of my life." Rest of the life? How long would that be? I mean, that was really special when a 23-year-old boy said so. When I was 23, I was thinking about the next stage after college. Even if I had thought about settling down, I would not have been ready.

"What are you doing sexy?"
"I am playing a computer game."
"Ok, I woke up and then got online just to look for you. And you are playing the game? Fine. You are not the one!"
I was not the one? From March to this moment, it was less than two months. We were so good together. But was this it? Obviously, Jerry got mad and went offline. I kept playing the game. It was ok. I could move on from it, just nice chats. He saw me several times on cam. But I had never seen him since he had no any facility. For some pictures, it was not difficult to forget. Five minutes later, Jerry got on again. I stopped the game right away. He tried to talk to me, still sounding angry. Possibly I wanted to know something. But through the screen, how much could we gain? They say sex is the best way to make up. Eventually, sex softened our tense. But to me, I seemed like a porn star yet did not know who was watching me. The different part was I did not enjoy it. The sadness after sex came to me. I could have stopped it but I did not. On the other hand, it was totally wired. My imagination and expectation got me affectionate to this guy. At maximum, that was just wanking, or cyber sex. Technology could not take place of the real one.

Since I kept providing information, Jerry at last made the decision. He purchased a rear-projector TV, with high definition. The performance was excellent and the picture got high score as well. I felt happy that I helped.
"Sweetie, I have bought the TV you suggested. It is great in my living room. Now all I need is you."
"In May I have to go to China. It's a business trip."
"Oh...I will miss you. How long will you go there?"
"Five days."
"When you smile, all the Chinese boys there will just follow you. I think I need to make some rules for you to copy."
"What rules?"
"I have a friend in China. I will tell him to put the chastity belt on you. And I hold the key. You are just mine!"

That would be my first time to go abroad. Not for sightseeing, but exciting enough. Owing to my past experiences, my supervisor would like me to go with her and meet some clients. Two other colleagues would go with us, while they were not in the same department. On the day we were leaving, everyone got up extremely early. First we got to Hong Kong and then headed directly to Shenjen, a very modern city. The weather there was hotter than in Taiwan. The followings were just eating, meeting, eating, and meeting. In the hotel, I could not used the internet because I shared the room with a senior sales, who needed it all the time but never cared about me. I could not bear that he always read his email out loud. Guess he seemed afraid others did not know he read English.

The next stop was Chingdow. Cold there. But I quite liked that city. Just a pity that I could not spend some time going around. Oh my gosh. I did not know the business trip was so overwhelming. Hefei was the last place we went. The flight was delayed for some reason. By the chance I knew a young handsome German guy about my age, who did not understand the Chinese paging. He was so attractive to me. Yet he made me think of Jerry more, as a Caucasian. He was going to his girlfriend's home in Hefei. Undoubtedly, the time with the German guy was the nicest part of my trip. I even got hungover on the way home on the plane. Five days. I just wanted to know how Jerry had been.

"I am back, Jerry."
"Oh Rodin. How are you? Have you kissed any boy there?"
"Bitch!"
"lol"
"I miss you..."
"I miss you too, my sweet prince."
My happy tears dropped down across my face. Funny but touching enough. Then I had a big smile on cam. I felt the sunshine.

(3)

2008-03-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

I did not know when I crossed the day into the night. It was all dark outside, but I just woke up. In eight hours I would be landing. It was a long journey. What would be the first word I would say? Hopefully that would be a proper word. And hopefully I would not be disappointing. I closed my eyes again. Sleeping always made time shorter and things easier.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

I was normally single. Robert was my second boyfriend but it had lasted for less than two months. He never went out with me. When we went to the cinema, it was forty minutes drive away from Taipei city. The reason was simply that he did not want any acquaintances to see us together. After we broke up, my friend dragged me to the doctor. It was a big shock that I got depression. Therefore, I started a life with medicine and treatment. In fact, I did not want to be labelled. In the conservative society, this would be a serious issue. We swallowed all the pressure we had and never went to a doctor. But was I really depressed or I was told I was and then thought so? However, the fact was just that I was suffering so much, no matter from the depression or the pain.

"Do you like white people?"
"Well, actually any race would be fine with me. I think I prefer orientals and Caucasians."
"Have you been with a white guy?"
"No. But my first sex was with a French guy."
"Cool. Tell me about it :P"
Sex got into our conversation. And I found that topic made Jerry sparkle. But I would try to add something else between the lines. That would make the conversation last longer. Jerry told me he needed to buy a TV set. I was giving him some advices. Of course I would search for it when I was at work. For the bigger screen, of course I would suggest rear projector TV, not LCD.

"Why are you single?" I understood it was not really a question.
"Because I am not fit. And I don't have good skin. It's oily. I also have some scars on my chest, my shoulder, my back because of the acnes."
"What? I have feelings for you before I see your body."
"But after they see my body or face, they quit me."
"The order is always heart, soul, mind, and body. If you put body to the first place, you will never find true love. You have a great heart." Oh my. I was so impressed. That was the sweetest thing I had ever heard in my life.

Finally weekend came. In weekdays, I would have dinner with Lisa after work. We stayed in her ant's shop, watching TV, talking etc. She was my classmate in college. This weekend was very different. Jerry did not forgot to ask my phone number. What the hell? His voice melted me. Wait. Such a young guy had so beautiful manly voice? Later he admitted the picture was four years ago. I needed his current pictures. To be honest, the pictures were not beautiful. The smile was not lovely. The hair cut seemed not completed. And the teeth....I believe it was because of the wrong angle. Everyone would look not so good in some ways. Or maybe the photographer was not skillful enough. Anyway, at least I knew he was not that "boy" in the first picture. He was so sweet and romantic a guy.

Those pictures were a party: friends got together having the barbecue. I wished I could have just been there and enjoyed the food with all of them. Moreover, I was so happy to know his best friend Autumn. Although she did not know me, the picture of Jerry's life was more complete to me. That night I slept so well. Guess I was smiling too.

(2)

2008-03-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

First I went to Japan. I needed to stop by and then get across the Pacific Ocean. It sounded like a long way to go. Arriving in Osaka, I could have just gone out of the airport and had some fun in Japan, thanks to the policy that Taiwanese did not need any visa to get into that county. But I did not. That would be more like running away. Yet this was my big leap. I had to head to my destination.

**********************************************************************************************************************************

Jerry boy got online again. No sooner had I said hi than he messaged me first. He just got home from work. We did not have much sex talk but about our lives, our families, trying to know each other. I could not deny that our conversation was so good. Oh, that was the way Americans talked? Very sweet and gorgeous. I was flattered very much. But it might not mean anything. A chat was a chat. He sounded very positive and happy. I knew he went to Church almost every weekend, very typically Catholic, while I was born as Buddhist but I would be more an antitheist, or not so religious. My sweet prince, that was what he called me.

I had to go to work at 8:30 every morning. But we pouched in roughly. That was the culture of IT industry in Taiwan, not too strict with pounch-in time but necessary to finish the everyday work before going home. The average time when I went home was about 7 pm. Meetings were always the most boring and a waste of time, especially as no conclusions came out. We would need to have another meeting.On and on. Before I started to contact those clients, I spent a lot of time studying.

"What do you do?"
"I am a sales of rear projector screen," I tried to explain it well, "For TV sets. I need to learn things about the technology to have background knowledge when negotiate with clients. Actually it is a whole new thing and difficult for me."
"Sounds tough."
"Yeah it is. But I would prefer something more about computers. I am not a technical guy. But I build my computer and arrange all the softwares in it."
"Wow, you sound great. A sexy great smart guy!"
Again, I normally did not know how to respond it. But I felt as happy as everyone did when they got flattered. Besides the jokes and flirting, I truly found this guy mature and sincere. That made me think about the different education, society, and the way of living. Perhaps it was the different background which made this guy sound independent and reliable, just beyond his age. However, it was probably my imagination only.

From then on we talked more. I would sometimes stay up just for a nice chat with Jerry. I thought I understood Catharine's feelings about Joe Fox. Without the magic or the enchantment, who would get stuck on the internet, just waiting to hear "You've got mail?"

"Maybe I can call you on Sunday.""Call me? That will be an international phone call. Will you do that?" I doubted it and frowned."Yes."That was crazy. I had never thought about it. But how could I refuse this cute guy? The inquiry was not answered right away. I chose the middle way, not to say no, not to express I expected for it. Yet it did not affect our conversation. Jerry knew how to make me laugh as well as make me blush. That definitely took away my pressure from everyday work. And even when I was physically tired, I would still hang up on MSN. I must have been sick. This guy was just a name. He might be Michael, Steve, or whatever I did not know. No. I was not addicted yet.

"I like you."
"I know the words 'like' and 'love'. And they are different"
"Right. But before you love someone, you like him."

(1)

2008-03-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

I looked out of the window. The houses and the buildings were getting smaller and smaller. The land I used to live on at last became a map underneath me. This trip was too risky. I was going to a place I was not familiar with. Maybe I was. When I got off the plane, what would I see?

**********************************************************************************************************************************

In early 2005, I just got a new job. For more than three months Robert had broken up with me. You know every break-up story is always the same. Every heartbroken guy would have the same feelings. I thought I might remain lonely until I die. No one knew what would be the next and how it would be? However, at that time nothing could be more important than my life, my new work, and my friends, even though I had not met them since my relationship ended. Somehow, I wanted to see the world. No, I did not mean travel. So far I could not afford it yet. Internet would be easier and faster, as well as cheaper. Perhaps my true love was just waiting somewhere for me to find him out. Who knows? I had nothing more to lose, after all.

In the chatroom, I noticed a name Ricky. Oh my, that was the magic power of the internet. You could not see the other's face but have a lot of imagination. That name made me think about Ricky Martin. Yes I admit that I have had fantasies of him several times. This Ricky who lived in Florida was so good at chatting. Then he tried to have a sex talk. Another guy who wanted sex! Well, I found that every guy in everywhere loved it since he had a cock, not only in Taiwan. It seemed like the second head of men. I totally understood it. I mean, I have a cock, too. Sex is nice, but I would want to know other sides also. ...He was Ricky. OK, let's have a sex talk. Our conversation closed up when Ricky needed to shower. I guessed he must have been so hot. As my first experience, it was nice and interesting enough. However, I never saw Ricky in the chatroom again. In the instant box, you would never know who you are talking to. Who is the one behind the screen? Just a name? Or a dog? Too ridiculous.

As a new staff, I started to be under the training, learning the products and instilling the knowledge into my brain. Or I would say cram. Normally Taiwanese have the longest working hours on this planet. And people in a big company are usually cold, especially in IT industry. I could not complain about the daily routine, because I have responsibilities after my wrong investments.

As usual, I logged onto the chatroom at night. I might have still expected that Ricky would come up again. Yet that was probably impossible. It was just like the traffic on the street. Some cars seemed so familiar, but in some ways they did look different. They came and left. I did not know what I was hoping for, or waiting for.

"Hi," a guy talked to me as I saw the dialogs change again and again on the screen, "ASL plz." Actually I just got used to this start. "25 m Asia," I replied. In general, I did not need to say my country's name. Most people would disappear when they got to know I was not in the US, especially that I could not go to their places immediately to unload them. So it would not surprise me if this guy was gone. "Where in Asia?" This question definitely made our conversation last. I was asked to describe myself, my look, and my appearance. That had me learning the imperial system. Very soon we exchanged our MSN addies and got on there chatting. I did not know why I gave it to him; as a matter of fact, I would be more interested in mature guys. He was just 23. A kid? Not for sure. I was only two years older. His MSN showed a panda as his image. We traded face pictures then. I could not remember how many times he had said I was hot. It was very strange to me, because Taiwanese would never say that to you even if they really thought so. On the other hand, I was right. He sent me a picture of just a young boy sitting between his two sisters, wearing glasses, with light brown hair, and smiling happily. Could I just delete him? No, that was too impolite. Maybe we could just be friends. Honestly, he was cute. I had not had any decision yet anyway.

Jerry was a carpenter, from Michigan, as he told me. Our chat ended when his dinner was going to dry out. He was the first and the only one foreigner in my MSN list. I was tired, tho. Tomorrow would be another day.